Never satisfied

Truth.

But what if your dream comes true, your goals are achieved, but you want more?

That would be me.

I don't know what makes me tick, but I have always been one to push my limits--in running and in life.

Big life goals I've achieved so far include becoming a mom twice after 2 IVF cycles; becoming a nurse practitioner; and running a marathon. A lot of people my age are starting to sit back and take stock of their lives, slowing down.

I haven't gotten to that stage yet. Maybe I never will.

I've talked about my dissatisfaction with that one marathon, Chicago, where I crashed and burned. This week, watching all the drama surrounding the Boston marathon, I started to toy with the idea of another marathon. Actually, I've been toying with the idea of another marathon for a while.

Huge goal alert:
What I'd really love to do is BQ. I can just hear my husband groaning in the background. Actually I haven't even told him this. I won't. And I don't think this is a goal that is achievable for me. At my age, the BQ qualifying time is 4:00:00. My PB for a half is 1:54, and that was a few years ago. Even using my most recent best half, last November, which was 1:58, my predicted marathon time is 4:07. That would be under the best of circumstances, weather perfect, nerves under control, training impeccable, no injuries.

I just don't think a BQ is in my future. It will never happen. 

But I can't lie. I have Boston Envy.

Do you?

How do I move past this? My dissatisfaction with my one and only marathon, my desire to achieve the unachievable, accept my limitations, and be satisfied? My husband always asks me that question: why can't you just be content?

Can I? I wish I could! Or should I push it?

I'm running my best of my life right now. I laugh...who does that at 51?

My husband and I talked about this tonight. His response: "I really hate to say this but this is most likely the best it is going to get. You need to prepare yourself for the downside. You aren't always going to be able to run like this."

Yep, I'm married to Debbie Downer. 

But inside of me, a little voice tells me he's right. Hard to be an aging runner. Hard to be aging period.

The whole aching toe thing seems to be a sign...

But I say to him...who runs their best at my age? I should have peaked 10 years ago. What's changed? Why now?

Because I'm just not ready to hang it up. Because I took up heavy lifting. Because I refuse to grow up.

Here's the plan. I'll run my planned halfs this year and go from there.

If it all goes well, and I keep running like I have been, then maybe, just maybe, I'll talk to Becky about training me for a spring 2015 marathon. With a goal of 4:00.

You all know I've been doing crossfit. I believe that is what has made the difference in my running. At this point, I don't think I can do traditional marathon training. I need to preserve my body. The longest run the crossfit regimens do is a 16 miler. Yeah, I know all about the mental advantage of the long run. Been there, done that.

Yep. I've made up my mind. I have nothing to lose.

So if I continue to run strong...I'll go for it. If not, I'll accept that it isn't in the cards and move on. I guess.