10 Tips for Survival when You Are Married to a Non-Runner

My husband has a love-hate relationship with my running. When we dated and were first married, I didn't run. So he did not marry a runner. In my late 20s and early 30s, my lifelong struggle with anxiety became unmanageable. I started working out at a gym where there was a 1/4 mile indoor track. One thing led to another and eventually, I began running. Who knew that I would love it so much? Over time, the major benefit of all that running was that it made my anxiety subside.

So now he's married to a runner.

We are very different, my husband and I. He's the Yin to my Yang. The cream in my coffee. The butter on my bread. The bacon to my eggs. Why all the food analogies? Read on...

My husband knows that not only do I love to run, I need to run. He's ok with that. For the most part, we've come to a peaceful existence, my non-running spouse and I. How do we make it work? What's the secret to success for a runner who's married to a non-running spouse?

I've been running for about 25 years and we've been married for longer than that, so clearly we've found a way to make it work for us. I thought I'd share some of my tips. Some of these things may work for you, others, not so much. Sometimes they don't work for me either. Overall, the keys are to compromise, be considerate, and letting go of expectations.

Do not nag your non-running spouse to start running. There's really no bigger turnoff than someone pushing you into something you don't want to do. My husband likes to hunt and fish. While I'm not opposed to a sunny afternoon in the boat with a book, I'd be miserable in the rain or in a duck blind waiting for a flock of birds. I don't even think I could fire the gun. He wouldn't make me do that, so why would I expect him to run?

Find something that you both enjoy and make time to do that. Both Mike and I love food. He's a really good cook and likes to experiment in the kitchen. I like to play with healthy recipes. We also like to eat out. This is something we've enjoyed forever. After my last 2 Chicago Marathons, I came home to a prime grilled strip steak and an expensive cabernet. Why would I want him at my race when there's a home cooked meal waiting for me? Plus if he's not at the race, I can focus on the task at hand instead of scanning the crowds for him.

Don't expect your spouse to be as excited as you about anything running related. But savor the moments when he is. There have been many days where my husband actually asks me how my run went. I know he doesn't want details, so I don't give them to him. I am thrilled that he asked, and I thank him for that. What really makes me happy is hearing him brag about my running to other people. That's when you know it counts.

Be considerate of objections your spouse has. I've run a lot of races and my husband has never raised an objection. Except once. A few years ago, I was asked to join a Ragnar team. I talked with him about it and he told me that he "didn't think it was a good idea". I was surprised by his reaction but I didn't join the team, reminding myself that he never says no to anything I do. While I do get a little FOMO every time someone runs Ragnar, I didn't want to stay up all night, anyway.

Share your plans with your spouse. Whether it's a big race you are signing up for or just a run around the block, keep your spouse in the loop. How unfair is it for a runner to sign up for a race and not talk about it with their partner? Think about this. Committing to training for a long distance event is a time suck that will affect everyone around you. How would you feel if your spouse told you that he/she was making a big decision that would impact everyone in the household? You will need to work out the details together. Marriage is a partnership and things go so much smoother when you consider everyone's feelings.

There might be some things you won't want to share with your non-running spouse. Besides all the stats and splits and data, your spouse might not want to know about chafing. Runner's trots. Snot rockets. Peeing in the woods. Peeing while running. Black toenails. No toenails. GU. On the other hand, my husband enjoys entertaining stories of the weird things I see on the run.

Find a tribe. I could have made this post all about poor me, I've had to go to so many races by myself. I won't lie and say that didn't bother me. Seeing all the husbands out there cheering their wives on kind of got to me. But I had to remind myself that running is my thing, not his. After I found my running friends, both of us were relieved. Now when he chooses to go to a race, he's all in, because it's his decision. When I ran Big Sur, he got up at 3 am and drove Kristina and me to the shuttle bus. He was seriously as excited as we were.

Plan your training and races around your family. Don't make your running something that he always has accommodate. Sometimes you will need your spouse to plan around your runs, and if he doesn't have to do it all the time, hopefully he won't mind. One summer when I was training for the Chicago Marathon, we had a family weekend in Wisconsin planned. He got the boys up and loaded into the car by 6 am so that I could do my long run in Wisconsin while he unloaded the car and got everyone settled. By the time I got back from my run, he was on the pier with a beer in his hand and his fishing line in the water.

Show your appreciation for the things your spouse does to accommodate your runs. Be grateful. Be present. Do something nice for him. Remember, marriage is a 2-way street. To make it work, it can't be all about one partner. Find balance. Don't make everything about running, either.

BONUS: Share this little benefit of running with him: regular exercise may increase testosterone in women, which can increase sex drive. Better yet, prove it to him. 

If all else fails, remind him of this: "Happy wife, happy life". 

Are you married to a non-runner? How do you make it work? Is your spouse supportive?

I'm linking up with Tuesdays on the Run aka Marcia, Erika, and Patti as well as Coaches' Corner aka Susie, Debbie, Rachel, and Lora.