Resilience

Pretty much my plan!

I had some tough, fast, mind-clearing runs this week.

Earlier in the week, I ran on anger. When I finished that blisteringly fast (for me) run on Tuesday, I involuntarily did a double fist pump. I could have gone farther. I was not tired. I was not winded. I felt strong. I felt tough. I no longer felt like pummelling my son. Which is a positive thing, right?

As the week went on, my runs were still strong. My speedwork on Tuesday was cut short by fatigue, but as I look at my mile splits, I can see why. 7:50 mins/mi? I can't sustain that! I did for miles 2 and 3 though. Then I pooped out. I wasn't too sad about it, all things considered. I do need to do a better job pacing myself on my unreliable treadmill. Lesson learned. But I did take the day off from CrossFit. We're doing intervals right now and I didn't know if I had it in me to take the beating that those workouts bring. The day off was a welcome break from a tough training cycle and a chance to regroup and deal with the problems at home.

Yesterday's run was a 4 miler before work. The weather was the limiting factor. It was 25F when I started, but the winds were howling at 30 mph with gusts up to 45 mph. With the wind at my back, I flew. It actually felt like the wind was pushing me down the road. I considered running the entire distance like that and having my husband pick me up when I was done so I didn't have to turn around and run into the wind. No, that didn't happen. I forged ahead. Running into the wind was tough but I still finished with an average mile speed of 8:22. I'll take it! There was one point where the wind blew at me sideways and almost blew me over. Nope, you're not the boss of me, Mother Nature! It wasn't an endorphin producing run, really, it was more exhausting than anything. But I was glad to triumph over the conditions.

And then there was today's long run. It was so cold, my thermometer didn't register the temperature. As I contemplated today's run, I put on the news and the current temp was -2F, with 10 mph winds. Less windy is good, right? See, it's all relative. And the sun was out. Piece of cake, was my thinking. After all, I have the thermoball.

I had 10 miles to do and I sure didn't want to do them on the treadmill. Really, what's worse? Running outside in the cold with my thermoball to keep me warm or running on the treadmill for an hour and a half? You know what I chose.

I slipped on my Athleta wind pants and knee high Smartwool socks. Put on a long running bra top, my Chicago marathon long sleeve shirt for inspiration, and my jacket. Topped it off with a face mask and gloves. Oh, and to insure that my phone didn't freeze, I tucked my Spibelt in my pants and off I went. I headed to the bike path, which I knew would be clear. How far I could go on it, I didn't know. I was running at a nice comfortable pace, and once I hit the unplowed portion, I headed south on the sidewalk, which I was pleased to see was cleared. I decided to head to another park where there is a fitness path as well.

Me and my thermoball

I don't usually run at this park because in warmer weather, the path is really popular with walkers, who aren't very accommodating to us runners. I think they feel like this path is "their" path. But today, I had the entire path to myself. It was peaceful and beautiful. The 2 little lakes were both frozen, the golf course was covered with snow, the driving range was empty, and the playground equipment sat idle. I circled around and dreamed of summer. Thought about the triathlon that takes place here every year. As I headed back towards home, I looked at my Garmin and saw that I still had 2 miles to go. I think those last 2 miles were the hardest part of the run. Where to go, where to go, I thought? I circled around my neighborhood to make the last 2 miles.

When I finished today's run, I felt triumphant. I felt tough. I felt strong. I felt resilient. Ready to tackle the tough challenge that life is throwing at me right now. Compared to that, running is easy. Even in the bitter cold.

I look back at that Chicago marathon last fall. How I killed that tough training plan Becky gave me. Chased away my demons of self doubt and fear. How I crushed my PR. I was a different person after that race. Tougher. Stronger. Believe.

My mantra comes back into play. I can and I will. As on the road, as in life.

I'm linking this post up with Tara at RunningNReading! Be sure to go over to her blog and check out all the other posts.

Book review: The Long Run by Mishka Shubaly

I picked up this ebook over a month ago as a Kindle Daily Deal. I thought a book about an alcoholic turned ultrarunner would be a great book for my monthly blog book review.

How ironic. When I picked this book, The Long Run, by Mishka Shubaly, I had no idea how close to home this would be. I actually considered finding another book to read. But the book had received fairly positive reviews, and I decided to forge ahead, figuring I could abandon the book if it became too painful for me to read.

Written as an autobiography, this book is the story of Shubaly's tremendous love for alcohol and drugs, and how his addictions almost destroyed his life. He worked as a bartender and bouncer, and as he said, his reward (and many other bartenders' rewards) was alcohol. On his shift, he tried to hold out as long as he could before he took that first drink. You might call the first half of the book the Triple D (no, not Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives)--drinking, drugs, and debauchery.

 Shubaly really goes, in the words of Guy Fieri, "full throttle!".

Shubaly details his escapades graphically. It's not pretty. He does a good job of deterring the non-substance abuser from his lifestyle. Shubaly decides to go for STI testing, and while at the clinic, was handed a questionnaire asking about substance abuse. A light bulb must have gone off because he decided to answer the questionnaire honestly, and was surprised when he was called back to an exam room ahead of everyone else in the clinic. Along with STI testing, he was offered alcohol/substance abuse treatment. In his words:

"We (the counselor and Shubaly) both knew I had a problem."

He realized he had been "found out". But he also realized he faced a great opportunity. So he signed up for the treatment program.

"Do or die, motherfucker, I thought, do or die."

In reflecting back on his life, he also realized one thing.

"I was, simply, a jerk. "

This book was painful to read. Alcoholics and addicts are so self destructive, but they also harm others. Addiction is a selfish disease. I grew up watching several family members harm themselves and others with alcohol and substance abuse. Shubaly says he only wanted to live to be 17. So many people predicted his demise that turning 30 proved all of them wrong. At 32, he reached a turning point. He had an epiphany that even his self-destruction was a failure. What was he going to do with his life? His anxiety escalated as he pondered the question. AA wasn't for him. You know what? I get that. It's not for everyone. There have to be other options for overcoming addiction.

caitchock.com

So Shubaly started running. Throughout the second half of the book, he chronicles his transformation from addict to runner. He ran when he was angry or depressed or frustrated, which was most of the time. He was still drinking and smoking when he started running. But as he ran longer distances, he gave up the substances. because they affected his performance. And then he began to train for the Staten Island Half Marathon. He finished in 1:46:50, which he said wasn't great. Really? He does a lot of, as he calls it, "self-flagellation" throughout the book.

"Getting sober and running long distances has been deeply bizarre, weirder than any drug or combination of drugs I've tried. I do things now that my friends find crazier than doing drugs..." 

Like running? Aren't all runners crazy? Or are some of us crazier than others? Think about the crazy things you've done for a run.

After befriending an ultramarathoner, Shubaly begins running ultra distances. He said that marathons just weren't long enough. Maybe he was trying to outrun his demons. Of course, with the increase in mileage, he gets injured, and contemplates drinking again. He dreams about drugs, "vicodin the size of cheeseburgers". But he prevails, recovers, and begins to run again.

"...your old life doesn't just fall away from you like a snake shedding its skin. You carry it with you everywhere you go." 

For Shubaly, "the hardest part was learning how to care about his life again".

This was a book about trading one addiction for another. I recently wrote a blog post about this.  And there are a lot of stories of former addicts turning to running. Ultrarunning magazine recently published a guest post written by a 26 year old former food addict/anorexic turned ultrarunner. It's a really great essay that nicely sums up the running addiction.

I'm learning a lot about addiction lately. Addiction to substances, such as alcohol and opiates, has been linked with increased dopamine in the part of the brain that produces a feeling of reward. Cues that predict reward associated with substances cause those dopamine receptors to fire as they recall those pleasurable experiences. Running does this too. In 2011, researchers from Vanderbilt University studied heavy marijuana users, having them run on treadmills 30 minutes 10 times in 2 weeks. The researchers saw an astonishing drop in the participants cravings and use of marijuana.

Plenty of alcoholics and drug abusers have turned to running as a "healthy addiction". Some say it is trading one addiction for another. Yet another article in Runners' World dispels the myth that ultrarunners are "addicted" to running.  Shubaly sums it up as well, saying:

"...if I am addicted to exercise, it has been by far the dreariest, most painful, least thrilling addiction I have ever experienced."

While The Long Run is a quick read, Shubaly's story isn't easy to read. He doesn't sugarcoat anything. As I read the book, I felt the first half of the book was much easier for him to write than the second half, which was all about running. He does a great job sharing his drinking stories, but I would like to have seen a little more detail and passion about his running escapades. The book really was more about overcoming addiction than it was about running. But in the end, running saves him from himself. Shubaly doesn't experience relief from his depression, and he doesn't consider himself free from his demons. But he redeems himself, helping another runner get to the finish of a 100 miler under his goal time, and comes to the realization that this addiction, his addiction to running, isn't selfish like his addictions to substances. As he says upon completion of his 100 miler,

"We had taken a journey through the darkness, and emerged, whole but transformed, on the other side."

Such a hopeful sentiment. Maybe running should be part of every addiction treatment program.

***Hey everyone, due to overwhelming positive response, I'm starting a monthly running book club with a link up!***

I've selected a book for next month that sounds like a fun, light running-related read: 

Honey, Do you need a ride? Confessions of a fat runner by Jennifer Graham

- this is described as a humorous look at running, motherhood, life, and body image.
available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Check out her facebook page and website, too. 
The link up for this book will open on March 14 and will stay open for 2 weeks, so you have plenty of time to read and review. I am so excited about this! I can't wait to dig in!

And if you have a book review you want to add to this month's blog post, I've started a linkup below. I wanted to have a trial run this month before I kick off next month's official linkup!

An InLinkz Link-up

L-O-V-E

This week's Friday Five link-up, hosted by the DC Trifecta, is all about love...and in this past week, I've really learned how much love I have in my life. I could go on and on about how grateful I am for all the people in my life. Everyone that I know has helped me navigate a very difficult time.

But because this is a running blog, I decided to write about some of fitness-related things I am loving lately. And because I really want to stay positive!

1. I am absolutely loving the Sweatpink #TaketheLeap and #bringingbackyoga challenges. It's no secret how much I love yoga. I have been doing yoga for 17 years--since my oldest son was born. But now I get to share that love with all my Facebook and Instagram friends. It's been fun doing the daily poses and even more fun photographing them. I've never seen myself doing yoga, and while some of the poses look pretty good, others make me cringe! Here's me in Hanumanasana aka front splits, a pose which I haven't posted yet, but wanted you to see just how tight those hamstrings really are: 

Rock on Hanuman!

Anyways this challenge has been fun and has put a smile on my face every day, even lately, when I haven't had a lot to smile about. Although I won't lie, deciphering some of the poses has been tricky. IMHO, the sequence of poses is a little odd.

2. Can I also say how much I love the longer days? The sun is peeking out when I wake up at 6 am, and it's setting slowly when I leave work after 5. And even though we have a lot of snow on the ground, it's disappearing thanks to the warmth of the February sun. Although, as I write this, it's 11 degrees out. Mother Nature still likes to mess with us, doesn't she? We get a few teaser days here and there, and it's those days when I take it outside that I really get to fly. And I do love to run fast!

3. After much discussion with my husband, I made the very difficult decision to pull out of the Sarasota Half Marathon. Going to Florida to run, while we are dealing with my son's issues is probably not the best idea. Today, I sent an email to the race director explaining my situation and asking if there was the opportunity to defer the race or run virtually. I received THE NICEST response I could ever imagine. Can I say how much I love this race director? They will allow me to defer if I want, and offered to mail me my race packet. And this quote: "Everything in life is a marathon and not a sprint." I won't lie and say that I'm happy about this, but the kindness of the race director sure softened the blow of having to DNS. I will definitely try to run this one in the future. As my friend Marcia says, "unfinished business". 

4. And I love that I found another race to run that weekend here at home. Since I have been training and am prepared to race, I was unhappy with the idea of a DNS. The Get Lucky half marathon is on March 14 and it is not sold out. They also have the option of mailing my race packet. Can you say win? Even better, I love that my friends Karen and Sara will be there. I call that a huge win. Making lemonade out of lemons. The glass is half full. Ok, so the race in is Chicago, and it will probably be about 45 degrees. But there's green beer at the finish line. Get lucky? I think I did. In some small way.

Well..there's that. But only if they fold too...

5. Finally and totally superficial, I went to Marshalls today to soothe myself with some retail therapy. I love Marshalls and TJMaxx for my running gear and I was rewarded with another really cute Mondetta fleece lined top and a super cute RBX tank. Both bargains. I'm modeling the tank in the yoga picture above. The price? $9.99. And that is definitely something to love!

Happy Valentines Day to all my virtual friends near and far!  

I'm also linking with Jill Conyers for Fitness Friday!

Running the emotions

Anger fueled my last run. Life circumstances-aka a rebellious teenage boy-- have sent my emotions into a tailspin. This kid is pushing my every button right now and it's all I can do to hold it together and get through the day. But it's not just that. Suddenly, there becomes a very real possibility that I may not travel to Florida in March and that I may have to DNS my Sarasota half. This is the race that I've wanted to run for the past 3 years. I'm stunned and shocked and angry by how my world has turned upside down.

So 2 days ago, I took my run outside. I had planned speedwork on the mill to do but that wasn't going to happen. The sun was shining and it was actually warmish--about 35--and I just needed to just run. I needed my blacktop therapy. There was no plan, no speed, no time goal. Just me and the road. And as luck would have it, my playlist spit my hardest, angriest music at me. It was just awesome. I picked up the pace and pounded the ground. I pictured my feet cracking the pavement. It felt like I was flying. I sang along with those adolescent refrains of rebellion. I smiled to myself about the irony of my musical selections. I had visions of myself pummeling my son and ran harder. At 6.22 miles I stopped. Catching my breath, I smiled to myself. That felt good. I felt strong. I felt tough. I felt like I was ready to tackle life, at least for the time being.

Of course, I don't like being angry, but anger sure has given me some good runs--not just that one but others in the past.

It's a lot easier to run angry than it is to run sad. Crying and running just don't mix. It's hard to breathe when you're crying. I've done it before and it's really difficult. On this last run, I was really grateful that my run wasn't interrupted by tears. They've been flowing a lot lately and at the most unexpected times.

I've had runs fueled by fear too. Remember last summer, when I found the cyclist in the road who had been hit by a car? I stayed with him until the paramedics took him away and then decided to try to salvage what I could of my planned run. My first two miles after that were fueled by adrenaline--that flight or fight mechanism--but once the adrenaline ran out, I couldn't go another step. I've had the same thing happen when I've crossed the start line of a big race. Go out too fast and boom! or bonk or hit the wall. Whatever you call it, it's all bad and I've had to learned to control my nerves when I start to run. Going out too fast burns up all that energy and the outcome isn't good.

The best emotion to run on is joy. But joy isn't predictable. The joyful run is the run that comes when you least expect it. I've had joyful runs when I've had a sleepless night. After a bad day at work. I've run with pure joy in the rain. I've experienced a sudden feeling of joy after a difficult first mile on a run where I was ready to call it quits. The thing about the joyful run is that suddenly it all comes together and the legs feel light. As if I could run forever. It feels like I'm flying. Some call it a runner's high. I might even say that my last run became joyful. I felt really good after that run. Talk about a mood swing...! But it was great to get rid of that anger and feel happy again. I love to run.

And that is the best feeling in the world.

How do your emotions fuel your runs? What emotion makes you run best?

I'm linking this post with Amanda Running with Spoons

Fetch!

On a more positive note, over the past weekend, I took my youngest son to be fitted for running shoes. He's not a runner per se, but he is a multisport athlete and participates in sports that involve a great deal of running. If you recall, last fall he tore his MCL playing football. He did rehab through physical therapy. One of the therapist's main concerns was his lack of hip strength. She said he needed different running shoes, more for stability, as he tends to roll inward (pronate) when he runs. Since he's conditioning for rugby and doing a lot of running again, I wanted to get him some new shoes. We headed over to Road Runner Sports to get him properly fitted for running shoes.

I've never been fitted for running shoes. I have a neutral gait, and have run in the same shoes, Asics Gel Nimbus, for years. So being fitted for running shoes was new to me. I was really impressed by the technology at the store. And found my new favorite running app, the Shoe Dog. There's an app on the website too, but obviously if you can go to the store, it is much more hands on.

Shoe Dog asks all kinds of questions, like your age, gender, terrain where you run, arch type, foot mechanics (pronator, neutral, supinator), injuries, and some specs like mileage and weight. At the store, my son ran on a treadmill and the person helping him was able to observe him running and comment on his foot position. He stood on a pad and had the sole of his foot analyzed to determine where he put the most weight. She also had fitted him for custom inserts to provide more support for his highly arched feet. Then she made recommendations for shoes. She selected the Nike Lunar Glide, Brooks Adrenaline, and Asics GT-2000.

He's a 15 year old boy. Can you guess which shoe he picked?

If you guessed the Nike, you were correct. Fashion and brand comes first, after all... He said the other shoes looked too much like running shoes. As if that were a bad thing...these are pretty cool looking, actually.

And the outcome? He wore his new shoes last night at rugby and said they felt great. No knee pain either. He'll be using these for football conditioning too. I'm glad we did this. It's all very high tech and very hands on. If you don't know what kind of shoes you should be in, this is a great way to find out.

Disclaimer: this post is not in any way endorsed by Road Runner Sports. This post is solely my opinion.

I'm linking this post up with Tuesdays on the Run! MCM mama runs, Run the Great Wide Somewhere,  and My No-Guilt Life! Head on over and see check out other bloggers' favorite fitness apps!

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Hung over

At the beginning of this year, I set five goals for myself. I've talked about them quite a bit on the blog. Goals are important because it gives us something to strive for. Four of those goals were running related. One was not exactly running related. That goal was to manage the mama drama in my life. But we all know how much that mama drama affects our running. And vice versa.

Spinal Tap

That goal, the keeping the mama drama in check goal, was sorely tested this weekend. The mama drama-o-meter was off the chart. Up to eleven. Saturday night was a sleepless night. And Sunday was rough. Have you experienced a hangover after a night of partying? That's small potatoes compared to how I felt Sunday. I felt sick all day. My son, obviously feeling the fallout as well, took off early in the day. He said he needed "to chill". I spent most of the day agonizing over him leaving and wondering where he was. I sent him occasional text messages, just to check in and let him know I was thinking about him.

As the day went on, something changed. I don't know exactly how it happened but he and I began exchanging text messages. And through these text messages, we shared a lot. A lot. He told me things no mom ever wants to hear. Confirmation of things that I was already suspicious of. I told him how much I loved him and wanted to help him. We texted all afternoon. And the upshot? We're both taking the day off today to get some help for him.

When he came home tonight, I hugged him. And he let me. I can't remember the last time I held him in my arms. My 17 year old baby boy hugged me back. I asked him if he was still on board with the plan for help. He said yes.

Sunday morning, even though I was exhausted after my sleepless night, I went for a run. It was one of those "I need a run" runs. When I got back, I told my husband that for that 50 minutes I was on the path, I didn't think a whole lot about my son and the events of Saturday night. Instead, I got to think about running, lose myself in my music, and be free from my life. I listened to my footfalls and reflected in the ease of my stride. That day, more than ever, I was thankful for the run.

I can't predict what today will bring, or the next day. I have a feeling my family is in for a rough road for a while. While I have no control over the mama drama in my life, I have control over how I manage it. And the one thing I'll have to help me through the mama drama ahead is the run.

I'm linking up with Tara at RunningN'Reading today.

Bringing flexy back....

I've been doing yoga almost as long as I've been a runner. But there are just some poses I'll never be able to master. I'm lacking in the flexibility department, for sure. And running doesn't help that! But I do yoga to help me recover from my runs, and my goal isn't to be a master yogi. My goal is to stay injury free. And to have fun in the process. Yoga has certainly helped me be a stronger runner, but it keeps me humble too!

I'm participating in the #prAna and #fitapproach #TaketheLeap 30 days of yoga challenge. Today is Day 5 and I'm excited to share my first 5 poses on the blog! It has been so much fun to showcase yoga and I love seeing all these runners' posting their yoga poses on Facebook and Instagram. I hope everyone keeps posting as the month goes on.

Cow Face Pose aka Gomukhasana. Do I look like I'm in pain? Because I am. I like to call it mad cow face pose. Talk about humbling! I've got really tight hips and I can't get my knees together like a good yogi. But I sure do feel this one! My arms are in reverse namaste, but you can also hold your feet, like motorcycle handlebars. Vrooooooom.....

Revolved chair aka parivrtta utkatasana. This one really opens the glutes and hamstrings. It's also a twist, so it feels great on the spine.

Camel pose aka ustrasana. I love backbending because they open my heart. We spend so much time leaning forward, running forward, and backbends pull us out of ourselves. This pose is also great for the quads and hip flexors, as well as the shoulders.

Side plank with tree pose variation aka vasisthasana with vrikshasana. I love side plank. I feel so strong and open in this pose. By, the way, I have "double jointed" elbows and so my arms are never straight. In case you were wondering.

I started off the week with King dancer pose aka natarajasana. I was challenged by Run Salt Run, (who coincidently coined the term #kickasana) to do this pose. This is a balance pose but it is also a backbend. I am not very flexible, and even though it feels like my leg is extended really high, this is as high as I can get. And yes, I'm wearing my pajamas. Just like yoga pants, really.

As one of my instructors once told me, you get as much out of a pose as you put into it. It doesn't matter how deep or how far you go. In fact, if you go too far, you can hurt yourself. Do what you can do. Be where you are.

Are you participating in the yoga challenge? Do you practice yoga? If not, why not? And if so, what are your favorite poses?

Don't forget to check out my PowerDecal giveaway! It ends 2/11/2015 at midnight! You can jump in here: http://oldrunningmom.blogspot.com/2015/02/bumper-stickers-and-powerdecal-giveaway.html

Today I'm linking up with the DC trifecta aka Courtney, Mar, and Cynthia for Fitness Snapshots!

I'm also linking up with Jill Conyers for Fitness Friday!