Under pressure

10 days to go until the Chicago Marathon. I've done the work and I am ready. Physically for sure. Mentally--well, I'm still working on that. No matter how much preparation I do for an event, I still get anxious and self-doubt starts to creep in. I've been working really hard on shutting it out this time. This morning was my last speed work sessions, mile repeats x4. I didn't think I could match the speed of last week's session, but I was determined to try. I told myself that if I could do it again, there is absolutely no reason for me to doubt myself.

And I did it. My first 3 mile splits were perfect. Mile three got a little tough at the end. Mile 4 was tough the whole time. My legs didn't want to move as fast as I needed them to go. So I pushed harder. I was really breathing hard. I wanted to quit. But I knew quitting will ruin my confidence. So I pushed through it. And here's the outcome:

Ok, not so bad! If only I could have run 10 seconds faster on mile 4--how crazy is that? Anyways, pushing through that tough mile was really good for me, mentally. And this week was actually faster by 16 seconds overall compared to last week's mile splits. So there's that...

Why do I push myself like this? As we all know, I've run the marathon before, and finishing should have been enough, right? When I tell people why I'm running it again, to run the kind of race that I know I'm capable of, all I get are blank stares. Of course, these are non-runners I'm talking to, but still. I compare this a lot to something I did as a child and young adult...play the piano.

I was a very musical child, and took piano lessons for 10 years. I loved playing and practiced my pieces for hours, working on perfecting them and memorizing them. When I was in junior high and high school, I competed in the musical competitions, always taking a blue ribbon home for playing my pieces. I also accompanied the choruses and played with the jazz band. It was something I loved and something I was good at. It was also very important to do my best because really, there is nothing worse than listening to someone stumble through a musical performance. I used to play for my grandparents, and my grandfather would never tell me I did well. He did point out my mistakes to me, saying that I shouldn't play for him if I was going to make mistakes. As I got older, that really used to bother me, since he didn't play the piano. But he was the only person to criticize me. Playing the piano (and the oboe and the bassoon!) was my thing. That was what I did well. So why did his criticism carry so much weight?

I'll tell you what it did do for me...it rocked my self confidence. I started getting increasingly nervous for performances. Even when I was accompanying the chorus, I was so conscious of my performance. I was so worried people would pick out my mistakes. My fingers would sweat and slide on the keys. When I look back on this, I wish I had realized that I wasn't focus of 99% of the audience, and that no one was paying attention to whether or not I was making a mistake.

This lack of self confidence also affected me in other areas of my life, which I have mostly resolved. But to this day, I have yet to not be anxious on race day. I am SO much better than I used to be. I've run enough races to feel comfortable in the routine and rhythm of the day. I've met a group of ladies that I meet at some of my races and that helps me shake off the nerves like nothing I've done before. The fact that I've been running for 25 years also gives me comfort, because once I start running, my body and mind just click into autopilot. I get excited at the starting line. If I listen to my music, well, there's comfort in that too, because I've trained with all those tunes. And I know that everyone gets a little pre-race jitters--that's what makes us perform well because it shows we care about how we do.

This picture is from 2011, the year I ran Chicago. Talk about a crowd...

The marathon is a different animal. Especially Chicago. It is a spectacle. It's big, it's loud, it's crowded, it's wild, it's amazing. The energy is palpable. It is impossible not to get caught up in the atmosphere. I've been there and I know what it's like. Having that experience is helpful this time around. I know what to expect. I am determined to let my physical preparation carry me to the finish line. But how do I not let my anxiety get the best of me this time? Competitor magazine had some good articles on this and I took their list and applied it to me:

Control what you can control. 

Here's what I can't control: the weather. the crowd. the noise. the energy. my family.

I can control my pace. While running my long runs, my goal was to have even splits the entire time. I did that very well. I used my Garmin to monitor my pacing and I also kept tabs on how I felt. 

I don't have a lot of control on what's going on inside my body. After having lots of GI issues early in my training, I switched my fuel to Tailwind, which seemed to work really well for me. That will be my only fuel and I'll have to carry a bottle on the course. I'd rather do that than stress about my tummy. I'm also really watching what I eat over the next 10 days. It's the best I can do!

Staying relaxed will help me feel in control. It sounds simple but for example, I woke up this morning clenching my muscles. Do you ever wake up clenching your muscles? Ugh. When I ran this morning, I had to remind myself to stop clenching, and I'd actually shake out my hands. It really, really helps. I will do this if I have to and as often as I need to. 

Use mantras and positive self talk.

I've been doing this all along, but after all the stress life threw at me this week, I had to really pull myself out of the dark hole! Yesterday I was feeling better, and at work I hung up 2 signs.

This one in my workstation:

And this one in my office:

Corny? Cheesy? Hey, works for me, so don't knock it! And don't even listen to my playlist, then...it's full of songs with positive and motivating messages but certainly not critically acclaimed music. I like to call them guilty pleasures. I'm sharing it with you here, in case you want to raid it for your own use. But please don't judge me based on my selection. I do listen to other music too.

Some of the songs obviously are just fun to run to. They're all familiar to me and that's important too.

And while I'm running, thinking positive thoughts would be good. "I feel strong" or "I got this", sound way better than "I'm so tired" or "I can't do this". Smiling helps! Seriously! The encouragement of spectators always puts a smile on my face and lightens my step.

Channel your nerves with mental imagery.

Instead of focusing on how tired I feel or if I'm not running at the pace I want to run at, I plan on reminding myself of how hard I worked to prepare and how I pushed myself through hard workouts-both running (for example, my speedwork today) and Crossfit. All that stuff Becky had me do was not only physically hard but mentally challenging as well. It would have been so easy to quit, to walk, to give up. But where would that get me? So I need to dig deep when it gets tough and think back to those tough workouts (those intervals with the rower will be a good image for me!) No negative self talk allowed. Becky told me for every negative thought or statement, I'd have to do 10 burpees. Who wants to do that in the middle of a race course?

Sorry about the f bomb

Just seeing the race course is helpful too. There are a ton of videos on youtube of the Chicago marathon course. I couldn't find one for this year (Nike usually puts out a time lapsed one, which is fun to watch) but this recap from the 2013 marathon is a good one. 

Create flexible goals. 

So my originals goals for this marathon were to finish better than my last disastrous marathon and strong enough to have a beer at the finish line (Goose Island 312!). My training has gone so well that I've refined my goals a bit. I have a time goal of 4:30. If all the stars are aligned and my head is in the right place, I can best that. I know I can meet that time goal. But no matter what happens, I want to know that I did my best. 

One final, but important goal I set is to enjoy the race. Running is a gift. Not everyone can do this, and only 0.1% of people have ever completed a marathon. I get to do my second marathon. And it was a gift--my entry fee paid for by my employer as a prize in an instagram contest. I was fortunate to be able to train with a coach this time around and had fun for my entire training. I didn't get injured during my training. I completed every workout and ran strong.

So let's go!

Chicago marathon training week 11--and now, it gets real

It's really happening!!!! My Golden Ticket!

So even though I did my long run of 18 the previous week, I'm still not feeling like I'm tapering yet. I still had some longish runs and speedwork to do this week. And coming back from Charleston and boom! back to reality was tough, but the beautiful fall weather we are having helped make my landing a soft one.

Monday: I had a bike ride on the plan, but I didn't get home from the airport until 4 pm, and I was just too tired to ride. Plus I wanted to see my family! I didn't feel too guilty about missing this one, since we did so much walking and I ran 2 days in Charleston. My legs and feet were really tired and it felt good to take the day off. But it felt great to bask in the memories of our really wonderful trip together. We had a lot of laughs, particularly on our last night while we were out to dinner. Because sitting across the room from us was this infamous southern politician who shall remain nameless. You know the one. Who cheated on his wife while she was being treated for cancer? Got another woman pregnant? Let's just say he's as handsome as they say he is, and leave it at that. Taking this picture gave us fits of giggles, because that is a mirror behind me. And even thought we were laughing obnoxiously, he didn't give us even a cursory glance..yep, we're the paparazzi sisters...

Tuesday: Back to business with 8 miles before I had to work. My alarm didn't go off! Crap! I flew out of bed, fed the boys and made lunches, and flew out the door to get my run in. I knew I'd be late for work, but I didn't care. I wanted to get this one in, since I skipped my bike ride the day before. And I literally flew through those 8 miles, getting them done in 1:11:50. Funny thing, my alarm went off during my run, an hour later than I had set it for. I realized then that even though my phone was on Chicago time, my alarm stayed on Charleston time! Seriously? I showered and sped off to work, getting there only 5 minutes late. 'Cause that's how I roll..

Wednesday: yoga Wednesday. I was all set to head over to the yoga studio but my oldest son sent me a text that he hit a car in the school parking lot. Ugh. Of course, he didn't call me...but that's another story. I spent wasted an hour playing detective, trying to sort this out, on the phone with the school security officer, the insurance company, and my husband. This kid is killing me. After all that, I headed to my mat to do the Seawheeze yoga video. But I just wasn't feeling it. This was the day I searched his room, found some drug paraphernalia, and called his school guidance counselor for guidance. What a tough day. I'm grateful for all the cute babies I had on my schedule that day, because they put that smile back on my face and made me forget about my son for a while. Him, I dealt with when I got home. He, of course, denied everything. 

Thursday: Speed work aka mile repeats x4. I started out with the plan to run them about 8:15. But after mile 1, it was clear that my legs wanted to run them faster. Maybe the events of the day before took a toll, but I had a lot of tiger in my tank. I knew that if I ran them fast, I needed to run them consistently. I knew it would be tough, but I thought that might actually be good for me, mentally, if I was successful. And I was. Mile 4 was tough, but I pulled it out. This was the workout I needed, the one that convinced me that I'm ready for the marathon, that this is the real deal. I finished mile 4 and headed back to my car, grinning from ear to ear. I'm surprised someone didn't report me to the mental health authorities! What a great run! Pinch me, because I must be dreaming! After I came back down to earth, I had some CrossFit homework that Becky left for me before going out of town. I had to do 50 backward lunges to balance, which were really challenging for me, balance-wise. I can tell that I've been neglecting my hips a little bit. I also did 50 romanian deadlifts and 50 supermans. 

Friday: rest day. I was surprisingly, pleasantly sore from my CF homework the day before.

Saturday: I had 6 miles on the plan. I also had a breastfeeding conference to attend and needed to be there by 8 am. Which meant I had to run in the dark! I haven't done that since last spring. I pulled out my Petzl headlamp and headed out into the morning. It was perfect, 57 degrees! I didn't run with any plan in mind, just let my legs carry me. I mostly ran 8:55 mins/mi except miles 4 and 5 where I had a little tummy trouble. I didn't want to stop to use the bathroom, so I just sucked it up and slowed down. I made it home safely without any--umm--incidents. And headed to the conference. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am terrible at sitting for long periods of time. I could never have a desk job! My legs got really restless and my hips were talking to me the whole time. After dinner, I foam rolled and stretched for quite a while.

Sunday: My last double digit run of the marathon training plan, I had 12 to do. Like my 18 miler, I planned on running it at about 9:30 min/mi, or MP. As you can see, I absolutely succeeded on that. I had to make one pit stop at about mile 5--my tummy again--otherwise, the run was uneventful. I fueled again with Tailwind, which really went well. I had an issue with my water bottle springing a leak--I kept seeing my drink spurt out of a tiny pinhole on the side of the bottle. My hand was all sticky and wet. So I need to figure THIS out. I felt good when I finished, aside from a little toe pain--yes, it's back. And check out mile 12...I guess I was ready to be done! 

And now the real decrease in the miles begins! Gives me a chance to rehab my legs a bit and rest. Hoping for an uneventful 2 weeks until the big day! I'm still smiling!

The hardest job in the world....

One of the hardest things for me, as a parent, is watching my boys struggle. Sure, all kids struggle at times, but some seem to struggle more than others. When my boys were little, my youngest son was very clingy and shy. In preschool, his best friend was a girl, because the boys were too rough for him. Now, at 15, he is outgoing and confident, and travels with a large pack of boys, many of whom were those same preschoolers that were "too rough" for him back when they were 4. He plays football, and in spite of his smaller size, is an impact player on the A team for his high school. I have no idea how it happened or where this confidence came from. I look at him, and think, how did I get this kid? How did he turn it around?

My oldest is a different story. Friendly, talkative, and helpful as a child, around other kids, he could be shy but always had friends. He was more of a follower than a leader, and that always worried me. Now he really worries me more than ever. Lacking in self confidence, he is doing things that are getting him into trouble. His judgement has been really poor over the past year. I've written before about my summer with the boys and some of the trials they've put me through. I hoped when school settled down, so would my boys. My youngest has. Between playing football and doing school work, he's busy and doing well. I don't worry so much about him.

But my oldest? This past week, I received notice that he's failing 2 classes. His excuse is that school just started and he'll get his grades up. He never seems to have homework. But that's because he isn't doing it. When I received an email from one of his teachers regarding his failing grade, I told him he was grounded. He protested mightily. I also found out that he never told me about or signed up for the PSAT practice test. We argued about that. He signed up at the last minute, and used that to try to negotiate his punishment. No deal.

All day long I got these yesterday.....

Yesterday, I finally did what I never have wanted to do as a parent, and searched his room. It didn't feel good. Confirming what I already suspected, I found some rolling papers and lighters. No weed, though. I wasn't surprised at what I found, but I was really sad. I talked with my husband, who is normally much slower to punish than I am, and he and I talked about how we were going to handle this. I also talked with my son's guidance counselor at school, who was extremely helpful. Her suggestion was to drug test him. As was the suggestion of one of my friends who has been going through something similar with her son.

Ugh. When I worked at my old clinic, a medicaid clinic, I had parents ask me to drug test their kids all the time. I wouldn't do it. I told them that if they suspected their kids were using drugs, most likely they were right, and that they could buy a test over the counter to confirm their suspicions. I didn't want to be the one to confront the kids. Now that I'm in their shoes, I totally get why they wanted me to be the bad guy. Because it doesn't feel good to have that conversation. But I knew I had to do it.

So last night, when I got home from work, I asked my son to come upstairs. I opened his desk drawer and pulled out what I had found. I told him that I hated to have to do that, but that I was getting really worried about him. He looked stunned, but told me he bought the stuff to "sell it" to other kids. I asked him why he would want to do that and he said that he just thought they might want it. None of the paraphernalia was used. So I'm still not clear on why he had it. I asked him if he was smoking weed, and he of course denied it. I asked him if I did a drug test, would it be positive? He said no, but he wouldn't look me in the eye. "So," I said, "if I gave you a cup to pee in, and I tested it, nothing would show up?" He looked down and said no. I told him that if things didn't improve, that I would do that. He mumbled some smart ass remark and slunk away to the couch where he was watching videos on his phone.

He's home today, no school because of the Jewish holiday, and he has not asked me once about getting "ungrounded". He's also been pretty quiet, and not saying much to me. I don't know if he's thinking about what we talked about or not. Maybe I'm not tough enough. Maybe I should have made him give me a urine sample last night. But what would it prove? Something I already know? Am I wrong? I will say my husband I both agreed that we don't want to do this.

I don't think he's using that often, but I worry that it could turn into more than casual use. He's a quiet kid now, with few friends. He doesn't play sports. What better way to get attention and notoriety than to do bad things, get a reputation for smoking weed and failing classes?

Believe it or not, I was this kid in high school. I had zero self confidence. I had friends but I always felt awkward, like I didn't fit in. My sister Lisa was the cheerleader and super popular. I could never live up to that standard, so I made my own. I smoked pot, I drank...my grades dropped. So so stupid! Is history repeating itself? If I could do it over again...but they say hindsight is 20/20. For sure. And we learn from our mistakes and grow. As long as we don't do anything really stupid and hurt ourselves or get in trouble, that is...

I was pretty lost until my late 20s. When my lack of self esteem and anxiety began to take over my life,  I started to run. As I continued to run, I started to feel good about myself. I still had a long way to go, but running really turned my life around. So this morning, when I came back from my fantastic speed work session, feeling on top of the world in spite of what is going on at home, I said to my son, "its too bad you don't like to run. It really helps me feel good." He just grunted. But he sees this! He sees what I'm doing! Why can't he apply it to his life?

It's hard to sit back and watch him make some of the same mistakes I did as a teen. I'm fortunate that I was able to turn it around. I wish I could make him see how much easier his life would be if he had an outlet, like running, to make him feel good about himself. Right now, all I can do is hold his hand and try to keep him from going backwards.

Marathon week #10--Heading into taper town

This was my highest mileage week on the plan. It was also the week of my annual sister trip with my sister Lisa. Every fall we go away for a long weekend to celebrate our September birthdays. These trips are always amazing---and this years trip to Charleston, South Carolina was no different. It was the perfect time to start my taper.

Monday: rest day. I had planned to squeeze in some yoga but once I got home from work, all my ambition went away. Yep, I'm a morning exerciser!

Tuesday: I had a 6 miler on the plan, but had no particular plan for running it. I decided to let my legs fly. And they did...8.21 mins per mile. It helped that the weather was sunny and cool. I was smoking after my run--literally!

Wednesday: yoga! I did the SeaWheeze 14 video again. I love it because it really hits all the high points. And knowing that I had my 18 miler the next day meant I wanted to avoid being sore. 

Thursday: 18 miles. This was my long run that Becky scheduled for today knowing I'd be out of town over the weekend. It went really well. My pacing was great..averaging 9:24 min/mile. I stopped only to fuel and use the bathroom. I fueled entirely with Tailwind, going through 2 full bottles in the time on the run. I did feel a little sick afterwards. Not sure why...but I'm hoping to bring my consistent pacing to October 12. You can read the recap here.

Friday: rest day and travel to Charleston! 

Saturday: I had a 4 miler on the plan and prior to leaving, I mapped out a 5-ish loop through the historic district and along the water. My sister wanted to run with me, so away we went. It was overcast and humid, but cool, and we started out slowly. It became apparent after about a mile that I'd be making this an easy run, as my sister was getting winded at our 9:30 pace. Meanwhile, I felt great. She kept telling me to go ahead, but I had another run planned for Sunday and I didn't want to leave her, so I held back. Plus I knew we were going to do a lot of sightseeing on foot. At 4.5 miles, Lisa put up the white flag of surrender and we walked back to our hotel. I was so happy to have her run with me that I didn't mind our 10:30 average pace. Because some things are more important than speed, right? That afternoon, we did a walking tour of historic Charleston, covering quite a few miles. What a great day!

Sunday: I hit the bricks (and cobblestones and slate) early before the heat started. The sun was out and it was gorgeous along the water. I wanted to stop to take pictures but I also wanted to have a good, fast run and planned to walk down to the water later. I ran 5.83 in 51:52. What a great place to run. Later we did go back for some spectacular pictures...we also hiked up to the visitors center, hoping to get on a plantation tour. Sadly, we missed the bus. Our feet were really tired so we decided to spend the afternoon at the pool. A great decision!

Overall, this week was the high point so far in my training. I haven't talked much about food outside of fueling on the run. I tried to make smart choices about food on the trip and I think I succeeded by eating fish for dinner each night. We had a great time on the trip--lots of walking, food, and laughing! Now it's time to buckle down. Three weeks to go until show time!

Dress rehearsal

Today was the BIG DAY. The culmination of all my training, my long run day had finally arrived. Because I'm going out of town this weekend, Becky put the long run on the plan for Thursday. That was fine by me.

I got up early this morning, with the plan to get out the door by 7 am. I needed to be home in time to take my son to the orthodontist at 11. I figured that if all went well, I'd be done in 3 hours. If all didn't go well, I'd cancel the appointment.

After a cup of coffee, glass of orange juice, vitamins, and a bowl of cheerios, I headed out the door about 730. It was foggy and cool. I started out at about 9:30 min/mile pace. This is my goal marathon pace. I had a 24 ounce bottle of Tailwind in my hand, and 2 packs of powder in my spibelt. My biggest concern for this run was the lack of water on the route I decided to run, but I figured it would work out somehow.

Mile 1, my contact lens started to act funny. It felt like I had something stuck under it and I couldn't blink it out. I stopped at a drinking fountain and rinsed it. It seemed ok after that, and I headed on to the bike path. I don't know if it was the weather or what but my legs felt heavy. I pushed on, and at mile 3 came to this sign:

Seriously? Never one for following the rules, I decided to run past it and see exactly what kind of work was being done. I ran through the viaduct and once I got on the other side, I could see that the path had been resealed, probably the day before. Meh. I kept on running. My legs started to loosen up, but I held back and maintained that 9:30 pace. I passed a few walkers and bikers, but mostly I had the path to myself. When I got to the end of the path, at mile 5, I slowed to a walk and drank about 8 ounces of my Tailwind. I started to run again, and crossed the street into the forest preserve.
I think this was one of the parts of today's run that had me a little nervous. I've written about our local forest preserves and all the weird stuff that goes on there. Since I was running during the week, I knew there wouldn't be a lot of people around.  I also thought that maybe since it was so early, I wouldn't have anything to worry about. But as I approached the parking lot, 2 cars pulled in. One backed in, so I thought that I probably didn't have to worry about that guy--I wasn't what he was looking for. The other was pulled in head first, hopefully just looking to score some drugs or just to enjoy nature, and not to bother a 50-something mom looking for redemption on the run. I picked up the pace to put some distance between me and the cars, and headed down the road towards the path. Once I got on the path, I calmed myself down and got back on pace. I climbed the hills towards the next busy road, and stopped to wait again for the traffic to clear so I could cross.

This part of my run is a downhill (pretty steep) and then a 3 mile loop. There's usually a pretty good amount of people, and so I don't feel too isolated. But again today, there weren't many people out. I passed some guy who looked a little off, and another guy--an amputee--on crutches. That made me pause and feel very grateful for my run. After I finished the loop, I headed back towards the steep hills which this time, I had to climb. My hamstrings were starting to talk to me, but I pushed up those hills, hearing Becky telling me to "engage my glutes". Believe it or not, I started to run a little bit faster here, with splits around 9:15.

I finished my run in the forest preserve (no one was in the parking lot on my way out) and decided to stop at the gas station on the corner to use the bathroom--a real toilet, not the porta-potties I kept passing--and refill my water bottle. I headed back down the bike path towards home.

Sadly, when I got to my street, my Garmin read 16.10. Ugh. I had 2 more miles to eek out. So instead of turning towards home, I kept moving forward. As I looped around my neighborhood, I decided to finish up on a road that is a long incline. This is the same kind of hill that is at the very end of the Chicago marathon, right before you head into the finish chutes. Only a crazy runner would actually do this, but I wanted to see how much I had left in the tank, especially since my hamstrings were now screaming at me. I chugged up the hill, and turned the corner towards home. That last mile: 9:10.

When I stopped, I assessed how I felt. A little sick, truth be told. But when I looked at my finish time, I couldn't help but smile. 18.03 in 2:49:35. Average pace 9:24 min/mile. I ran the whole thing, except when I stopped to drink my Tailwind. My Garmin is set to pause when I do, so it did stop for traffic lights. I think that's ok, because I won't be stopping for those at the race!

I'm just a little proud of those mile splits!

Regardless of how I felt physically at the end of my run today (a little ill and sore), I feel really confident going into the marathon. I'm so happy that I was able to push forward and not stop to walk, except to drink. I know I'll be stopping to refill my bottle at least 2 times--that's ok. I learned a little more about fueling, and I don't think I need to drink as much as recommended--I got by with 2 packs of Tailwind for 18 miles. I never felt hungry or hypoglycemic. Of course, I did eat breakfast before I went out. But I definitely was well hydrated! The only factor that I have no control over is the weather, and that could mess with my hydration and fueling plan. If it's blazing hot, like it was 3 years ago, I will go into it knowing that I have had strong runs this summer, and not let my head get in the way. And push through it.

And yes, my son got to his appointment!

Taper time!

Marathon training week 9-The beginning of the end

It's hard to believe that the marathon is only 4 weeks away. While I've been hearing from others who are training that they are feeling burnt out, I haven't felt that way. This time around, I've had fun with my training, even though some of the CrossFit stuff has been really hard, even nausea inducing at times. I am starting feel some aches and pains though, as the training is taking its' toll on me. My left big toe, my nemesis, is yakking at me a little more than usual. Friday I woke up with a very painful R foot--I had trouble walking on it. Luckily, a little ibuprofen was all needed to put that at rest. Yesterday, my R hip twinged a little during my 6 miler. This morning on my 10 miler, my R knee was kind of achy. I'm going to really work harder on stretching and foam rolling as I move into the final 4 weeks now.

Monday: This is the last session of CF intervals! I have mixed feelings about that--as hard as they have been, I think these intervals have been the key to my strong running throughout this training. Today I did dumbbell burpees with box step-ups x5, CF sit-ups x5, wall ball squats x5, followed by 100m all out on the rower. I did three rounds of this. Becky told me I had to beat 27 seconds on my last 100m of rowing or else there would be a consequence--which I am sure would have been burpees. I completed that 100m in 24.7 seconds. So there. Nothing better than negative incentives! When I got home, I finished up with that SeaWheeze yoga video that I love. Hits all the high points.

Tuesday: 8 miles before work. I got the boys fed and lunches made before I headed out to run. The morning was cool and clear, and my pacing was good. I finished strong with an average 9.03 mins/mile. I headed off to work with a smile on my face.

Wednesday: It was a really rainy, yucky day, and I was glad it was yoga Wednesday. I had to go into work early, and so in lieu of my studio class, I did that Eoin Finn The Pursuit of Happy Hips video. There are several in the series, and I did the Easy Street one, wanting just to really stretch out my hips. They (and I were happy).

Thursday: I did my last 2 mile x3 repeats. Pacing? You be the judge:

16:40, 16:32, 16:32

After that, I took my badass self over to CrossFit, where Becky had me do what she called "Deficit Deadlifts". This is where she had me stand on a plate and lift the bar x5 reps, progressively increasing the weight over 5 sets to 105#. The goal was to work my "posterior chain". The deficit deadlift increases your range of motion, forcing your hamstrings and glutes to work a little harder. And I did...

Oh, yes, I did back squats too. This was a little weird...Becky put kettlebells hanging from elastic bands on the bar. I did one set of 5 with 10# kettlebells. Then she switched to 20# kettlebells and had me do 5 sets of 5 reps. I had to really focus on form because the bar was hard to keep steady. But she told me I was really "stable" the whole time. Yay!

Friday was rest day for me. Work was crazy and by the end of the day I was exhausted. I'm sure it was a combination of the hard workout from Thursday and the mental workout I got from work!

Saturday: 6 miles. I decided to just run, no plan. It was cold-43F- and cloudy, and I was still feeling a little tired. So I tried not to focus too much on pace, but I still was pretty consistent, with an average of 8:50 mins/mile.

Sunday: 10 miler. Last night my husband and I went out with 4 couples for drinks and "snacks". I wasn't thrilled about the "snacks" part, because, after all I had a 10 miler on tap for this morning and I didn't want to pay the price for bad eating. We ended up at the Hofbrau House for Oktoberfest--which was not a choice that made me happy. Don't these people know I'm training for a marathon?! (Joking.) I reviewed the menu: sausage, weiner schnitzel, pretzels--seriously, the men ordered something called the weiner tower! Yes, it was a tiered plate full of weiners. Because we were getting "snacks", I ordered an appetizer of pretzel breaded cheddar cheese balls. Really, the lesser of all the evils on the menu. As it turned out, there was a side of German coleslaw (made with a vinagrette-yay!) and no one wanted to share my cheese balls, so I ate everything and felt a little better. It was almost a meal. I had a Weiss beer and then switched to water. I took a pass on the shots of German liquor that came with a side of paddling by the waitress. I kid you not! We got home late and I thought I'd pass out, I was so tired but my husband, who had more than his share of beer, was snoring loudly all night. Sigh. When I finally got up this morning, about 7, I was exhausted and I thought that there was NO WAY this run was going to go well. 2 cups of coffee and a bowl of cheerios later, I felt renewed and headed out the door, a water bottle with Tailwind nutrition in hand. I started slow, at marathon pace and my legs felt loose and light. I moved down the path at a nice comfortable pace, enjoying the cool temps and the bright sunshine. I stopped a few times to take a few big sips of the Tailwind, making sure to drink about half the bottle by mile 5. I turned around to head home and still felt good. My legs flew and I picked up the pace. I finished 10.43 miles in 1:35:29; average pace 9:09 per mile. Wow! Was it just a good day? The weather? The Tailwind nutrition? The cheese balls? The juju from the smiling tree?

I've got an 18 miler this week, and I'm going to put Tailwind to the test again. I had absolutely no tummy troubles on the run today, which shocked and pleased me. I hope this is the magic bullet I've been looking for. Stay tuned....

The evolution of a runner

I remember my first race...vaguely...it was a 5k, I know that. I'm not clear on which one was my first, though! I remember thinking how hard it was going to be. I started running in my late 20s to combat debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. Initially, I started running with a CARA training group in downtown Chicago. The idea was to work with a group that matched your pace. Of course, as a newbie, I had no idea about a pace. I didn't see myself as a runner. I hated that I didn't know what to do. I don't remember what pace group I started with, but I do remember getting a side stitch during one of our first training runs pretty early on. I remember feeling like a loser, that I had to stop and walk it off. I felt so intimidated by the group leader, even though she was super nice and supportive, because she had all this experience. I needed to get over myself. And I did. Somehow, eventually, I got to 3 miles, came back for more runs, and eventually signed up for my first race.

I went to the race by myself, ran it in a respectable time (under 27 minutes) and headed home. I continued to train near my home and started working out at a health club in the area as well. It was there that I met a woman named Jayne, who began to train with me and run with me. Jayne was working on her NASM certification. Lucky me! She helped me with my running form, and began instilling in me the confidence I was so lacking--in running and in life. We ran in the health club on the track and in the warmer weather, we took our runs outside to the forest preserve nearby. We began running longer distances, and I worked up to 6 miles at about 8 minute pace. I ran 4-5 days/week. Jayne decided to train for the Chicago marathon, but in my mind, there was no way I could ever cover that distance. I continued run a few 5 and 10ks, but nothing further than that. As I continued on my running journey, I marveled at what my body could do, and as I became stronger physically, my mental strength also grew, but at a much slower pace.

Meanwhile, I gave birth to my boys, and we moved to the suburbs. I lost touch with Jayne after we moved, but I continued to run. I didn't run races. A lot of my runs were done in the wee hours of the morning, before the sun came up. I needed to get them done before my husband left for work so that the boys weren't alone in the house. Looking back, I still can't believe that I did that but I truly needed to run to keep my sanity and have my me time.

As the boys got older, it became easier to find time to run. I could leave them home alone while I did a quick 5 miles around the neighborhood. I always carried my phone so they could call me if I needed to come home. 5 years ago, I decided to train for my first half marathon, and the race bug bit me again. After running a few halfs, I felt that it was time to add that final distance, 26.2, to my race collection. Even though I made the decision and felt good about it, I could hardly get my head around it. From the moment I signed up in February until race day, I was a wreck. And we all know the outcome of that race...I finished, but my nerves and the heat of the day took their toll on me.

So now, here I am, 3 years later, with a chance at redemption. Physically, I am in the best shape of my life. Yep, at 51 years old, I am running paces that match my mid-30s. Thanks to a smart training plan developed by my CrossFit trainer, I am currently 3 1/2 weeks away from marathon #2 and I am injury free (knocking wood right now). Mentally, I'm in a good place too--much of which has to do with my training. The other aspect that I draw strength from is that I have run this race before. I know what to expect.

I don't know why I feel so reflective today. Maybe it has to do with this upcoming marathon. This essay might sound like a pep talk to myself, and I guess it is. But looking back on my running journey, and how far I've come is really helpful. I am better than anyone at knocking myself down. Reflecting on what I've done and what I've overcome over the years gives me strength. I want to do well at this race more than anything I've wanted in a very long time. I want to feel proud that I did more than just finish. I know what I can do. I'm ready.

Let's do it!

I can and I will!

Trust the plan.

Do you have a mantra?