Marathon training: Lessons learned

I've been thinking a lot about last week's marathon. I was just so happy with the outcome that initially, I could think of nothing else. I went to work and was praised and patted on the back by my co-workers. I was flying high. Of course, it took no longer than the first family I saw on Monday to slam me back down to reality. The mother: "I heard all of you out in the hall talking about your marathon. But I've got 4 sick kids here, and I'd really like you to check the 5th as well. I'm sure you're really excited but can we get moving here?" Boom.

I wasn't quite ready to let go of my euphoria, but that was my reality check. The marathon was over and life goes on. Throughout the week, I began reflecting back on the race. Here are some of my insights. You might recognize some of them as my mantras!

Trust the plan-In the beginning of my training plan, I struggled with the plan Becky laid out for me. Lower mileage than I had run for my last marathon training plan, and even some weeks with no long run at all--instead a long bike? Hello? Becky sternly told me I needed to trust her judgement. And looking back and at my result? I am so glad I did. For this 52 year old runner, with 25 years of miles on these legs, this plan was the most effective training plan I could have used. But it might be different for other runners. So lesson number one is: trust the training plan you have decided to follow. Don't mix it up in the middle of the plan or throw in extra runs to make up for missed or poorly executed runs. Don't compare your plan with another runner's plan. A good running plan is made with some flexibility for bad days and bad workouts. I strayed only once from the plan, towards the end, when I skipped a scheduled bike ride for a much needed therapeutic 5 miles. Otherwise, I followed that thing to a T.

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Start out slow-I read a lot of running blogs. One, written by Dorothy Beal, sticks in my mind. She says to start out slow. Painfully slow. Give yourself a chance to let those legs warm up. Don't get caught up in the rush at the beginning of the race. Run your own race. In the past, I have always gone out too fast, and crashed and burned. Not wanting to repeat that pattern, I started out at a comfortably slow pace, and fell into a rhythm, about 9:15-9:30 min/mi pace fairly early on. I needed 10 min/mi to make my 4:30 finish, and knew I could run comfortably a little faster, building myself a cushion. That strategy worked well for me, as I had to make a few unscheduled pit stops during the race.

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The wall? what wall?- Besides going out too fast and crashing/burning, I have had issues with fueling. I have so much trouble choking down gels as the race goes on. I'm not a puker, but my stomach does get a little queasy during a long race. I learned about Tailwind from my ultramarathoner friend, Ashtyn, and started learning more about it. I decided to experiment with it on my long runs and found that by following the instructions given to me by Tailwind, that I should consume on pack in 24 ounces of water per hour, continuously sipping it throughout the race, I NEVER HIT THE WALL! As a matter of fact, by mile 23, I realized that I wasn't going to hit the wall. I also did a lot of mental preparation before the race, and knowing that my fueling was going to be effective, I didn't think I was going to hit the wall. Studies show that marathoners who think they are going to hit the wall do hit the wall. No wall for me. No how.

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The Oatmeal

Technology is not always our friend- So many people told me not to listen to music at the marathon. The Chicago marathon really is a sensory experience. But it can get in your head. As soon as we took off, I heard people screaming and knew I was going to need to shut all that out to focus on my race. So I turned up my music. The one thing I didn't do was put my phone on airplane mode. Stupid me. My phone rang several times as my medical assistant was trying to call me to tell me where she was so they wouldn't miss me. The other thing that happened twice is that my music stopped. The first time, I stopped to fix it and found my flashlight stuck on. I couldn't find the icon for it and couldn't turn it off. A spectator finally helped me, but I wasted a few minutes trying to troubleshoot this. In addition, I planned to use my Garmin for pacing, which was a great idea...when it could get a signal. Because of the tall buildings, my pacing was all over the place, according to my Garmin. And at 4 hours, it died. Guess I have to run faster next time!

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I can and I will- I repeated this mantra during my training and throughout the race. I don't care how corny it seems, my mantra made me believe that I could and I did.

Running a marathon is 95% mental. I even have a song on my playlist by Fort Minor:

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

I did a lot of prep work for this marathon--physically and mentally. I knew physically that I could run a marathon. But mentally, I needed to be strong. For her part, Becky also did a lot to prep me in this regard. The stuff she had me do was so physically challenging that I had no choice but to believe that I was getting stronger. When I began crushing my speed sessions, I knew I was ready. I also did a lot of reading on mental toughness. But the most comically effective strategy was Becky telling me during my training that for every word of self doubt that came out of my mouth, I would have to do 10 burpees. We all know how much I hate burpees. And as much as I never had to do them, the whole idea of it really motivated me to stay positive and strong. At mile 23, when my hamstrings were screaming at me to quit, the thought of me getting down on the ground in the middle of Michigan Avenue to do 10 burpees made me laugh at loud. I also had Rage at the Machine singing Killing in the Name: "f-no I won't do what you told me".

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Running is fun- A marathon is hard, no doubt. But it can be fun, and this one was fun for me. I was determined to enjoy it because who knows if I will do another one? The Chicago marathon is lined with spectators the entire route and it takes the runners through a ton of neighborhoods, all with their own individual personalities. So it would be a waste not to enjoy it! I waved to the drag queens in Boystown and got a "heyyyyy" and a kiss blown at me. Saw Dr Dribble, who dribbled 2 basketballs for 26 miles. Saw my medical assistant and a couple friends and stopped for hugs. Smiled through Pilsen at the amazing crowds and the guy with the giant bowl of pretzels. Saw the dragons dancing in Chinatown. And even when my legs stopped working at the finish line, I didn't let that throw me. I begged the medical staff to let me go as soon as the cramps went away, and when they did, I headed to the Goose Island truck for my post race beer. Found my friends. And never stopped smiling.

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Be grateful- Running is a gift. To be able to train for and run a marathon is something very few people can do. We as runners take it for granted because it is what we do. But during the race, I passed several blind runners being led by guides. I thought about how hard and scary it would be to run a marathon and not be able to see where you are going. I'm grateful for my friends and family who supported me during my training. And I am most grateful for the thousands of volunteers who lined the course--the ones who filled my water bottle for me every time I asked. The woman who put my medal around my neck made me feel like I won the race! The medical volunteers who watching for anyone who was struggling. When I fell down at the end, there were people right there to pick me up and put me in a wheelchair.

In case you need to feel better about your accomplishment!

Will I do another marathon? I'm not ruling it out. But for now, I'm just basking in my accomplishment. I cannot put into words what it feels like to crush a goal like this. I don't know that any other race will feel as good as this one did. For now, I'm planning on a half marathon in Florida in March. You know me. I'm not much of a planner--I'm known for just jumping into races at the last minute. I started my marathon training late but had no trouble pulling it off. I'll just keep a nice little running base going in case something suddenly comes up!

Chicago Marathon recap-Redemption!!!!

So those of you who have been following me for a while know that I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well at this race. I jumped into race prep 13 weeks before the marathon when I won a free entry through my work. Fortunately, I have been working with a CrossFit coach, who was more than willing to train me. And I had a strong running base prior to starting to train. My biggest hurdle would be my brain, on which I worked as hard, building mental strength, as I did building physical strength. And it paid off. The good news is that since I jumped into the game relatively late, I didn't have a whole lot of time to psych myself out about it. My trainer not only prepared me physically but mentally as well, but giving me some killer workouts and a lot to think about. But about 3 weeks before the race, I had a kick ass speed work session which convinced me that I was ready. The rest of my runs, through my taper, went off without a hitch. I had to keep pinching myself that it was really going to happen.

Not quite as elaborate as last time, but served the purpose.

Saturday morning, after a quick 2.5 miles around the neighborhood, I headed over to see Becky for some words of wisdom and to have my toe taped. The last time she taped my toe, back in April, I PR'd a 10 miler. Being somewhat superstitious, I wanted to leave nothing to chance. When I walked into the box, I was greeted by the owner, my friend Karen, with a "here comes the marathoner!" Becky taped my toe, and gave me a card, which she told me not to open until the following morning. She gave me hug and told me she knew I was going to do well. I left with all that positivity in my ears and headed downtown Chicago to the expo to pick up my race packet and shop.

I listened to my running playlist all the way down. There was minimal traffic, just a jam-up at the usual spot in the loop, and I parked the car and headed into the expo. The expo is really big. I stopped at the Nike booth, because 3 years ago they had some pretty overpriced awesome shirts. This time around they were still overpriced, but not very exciting! I found a few t-shirts that I liked and bought those. As I walked through the expo, I saw people getting their picture taken at the NewBalance exhibit and I stopped in. The guy told me I had to jump up for the picture and I complied. While I was waiting for him to print it out, he asked me if I was alone. I told him yes, and he replied "too bad". Um, ok, not quite sure how to take that...anyways, I picked up my packet and bib, and headed to my son's football game.

That night, I prepared my outfit and gear. I decided to open Becky's card in case it would make me emotional. The card was perfect. It was all about accomplishment. And inside the card was a small stone on which she had written "believe" on one side and on the other was written 26.2. I slipped it into my shorts pocket.

The next morning, I got up at 430a and got dressed. I had a cup of coffee, my usual breakfast of Cheerios and orange juice. My husband drove me to the El, which is about 20 minutes from my house. A good omen, Tom Petty's "Running Down a Dream" was on the radio on the way there. While I was waiting for the train, a woman approached me and we introduced ourselves. She was from Michigan, and it was her first marathon. It was really fun to be the one with experience and to share that with her. Another woman joined us, and it was like we were old friends on the ride down. Once we got off and got to Grant Park, we separated. I headed to the Advocate tent, where I could leave my gear. I met up with my coworker, Bonita.

Bonita and me

And then I got a text from Penny (aka 26.yikes) who was right outside my tent. I flew out of the tent for hugs and some final words of wisdom. More hugs and we laughed about all the goofy texting we had done with Karen, Michelle, and Sara all week. That sure helped to release some of the stress we were all feeling! Ascots and cognac, anyone?

Penny and me

I got in line for the portapotty--I had a little frustration with the guy in front of me who was letting everyone go ahead of us (WTH!!!)--

--and flew off to the corral. I sucked down the last of my 16 ounces of my pre-race Tailwind. About 5 minutes after I got in the corral, they closed it. I talked with an older gentleman next to me, who told me it was his 20th consecutive year running. The national anthem was sung, and the wheelchair athletes were off. About 15 minutes later, we crossed the start line.

I started my Garmin. I had planned to use my Garmin only for pacing, knowing that the tall buildings in the city would mess with my signal. My music was already going, quietly, and I made a snap decision at that moment to turn it up and shut out the spectators. I didn't want to get caught up in the spectacle of the race and I thought that I would need my music, which I had trained with, to keep me focused. Meanwhile, my Garmin was going crazy--we ran under bridges, on lower Wacker Drive, and finally headed up Columbus, where I finally got a good signal. Luckily, I fell into a groove right away, and the huge pack of runners that I remembered from 3 years ago never materialized. Actually, thinking about it now, I never had to weave through runners at all, which is something I've experienced at every race I've ever run. About mile 3, all that Tailwind I drank before the race made its presence known and I had to make an impromptu portapotty stop. Quick like a bunny! And back on the road.

We snaked through the downtown loop and headed back north on LaSalle. This is a really long stretch, and I tried not to let that knowledge get the best of me. Turns out knowledge was power for me. I kept my nice steady pace. We passed by Lincoln Park Zoo (I smelled cow manure!) and headed north to Addison, where we turned and ran a few blocks west before heading south onto Broadway into Boystown.

This is one of the most crowded spots of the race, spectator wise. The entertainment along this part of the route is legendary. The ROTC Chicago was on a stage, twirling their guns. Another stage had a few drag queens. They were actually beautiful and I waved as I ran by. One of the shouted to me, "heyyyy!" and blew me a kiss. LOL!

R.O.T.C Chicago (from a previous year)

I stopped at a water station to refill my Tailwind, and the volunteer happily refilled my water bottle. This was repeated x4 during this race! I saw Amanda "Too Tall Fritz" and ran alongside her for a few minutes. She told me she was struggling and told me to run ahead. I wished her luck and moved forward. As I ran along, my phone started to make weird noises and my music stopped. I pulled over to the side, and found that my flashlight was stuck on. I couldn't turn it off. I started to panic a little. A spectator came over to me and helped me troubleshoot it. I probably wasted 5 minutes on this. Crap! See what happens when you run with music?

Anyways, I took it as a "catch my breath" break and moved on down Sedgewick, which is a beautiful street of old vintage brownstones. We turned onto North Avenue, down Wells through Old Town. I was amazed at how great my legs felt and that the miles seemed to be flying by. So different from my last marathon!

We headed west onto Jackson, and got to the half marathon point. Ugh. My tummy was talking to me and I thought it was a good idea to stop. I ran to the porta-potty and back to the course. When we ran through the charity village, I looked for the UPs for Downs tent and my friend Sandy. I ran for this charity last time. Sandy was right along the course with her family. I stopped for a hug and she asked how I was doing. "A lot better than the last time I did this!" I told her as I ran away. About a half mile later, I saw someone frantically waving at me. It was my medical assistant Zuly! She was there with her kids. I ran over, hugged her and the kids, posed for a quick picture and ran away. She later told me that her kids had so much fun at the race, high fiving all the runners. It meant so much to me that she was there. Later, I saw on facebook that she was posting updates throughout the race. I love this girl!

Zuly and me!

After the charity village, we headed back on Jackson and then south to Taylor Street. This is an Italian neighborhood.  I knew one of my neighbors was going to be there watching their twins run, so I kept on the lookout for them. I spotted them and ran over for hugs! As I moved away from them, I saw a guy dribbling 2 basketballs. Dr Dribble! He said he was going to dribble the entire 26.2. And he did.

courtesy of doctordribble ( instagram )

We ran south on Western avenue and headed into Pilsen. Pilsen is an old Bohemian neighborhood now settled by Mexican immigrants. From my last marathon, I remember this being my favorite part of the marathon. The people turn out in droves and the atmosphere was festive. People are handing out food and orange slices. The music is so loud, it drowned out my own music. Signs everywhere proclaiming "Si se puede", which means you can do it! Another mantra of mine. And then onto Chinatown.

Chinatown is another festive spot, with a ton of people lining the streets and Chinese dragons in different spots. People were starting to walk more here. Mile 22.

Wait, mile 22? I walked through here last time, thoroughly miserable. Mile 22? The wall? What wall? No wall yet. Fully aware of that at this point, I shut that thought down. Stopped thinking about the wall. There would be no wall for this runner. Nope. No how. No way. Sipped my Tailwind furiously. And headed forward down Wentworth towards 33rd street. We crossed over the Dan Ryan expressway and began to head north onto Michigan Avenue.

At this point last time, it seemed that I'd never get to the finish line. Yet this year, I kept on running. More and more people walking. My hamstrings were tired but yet I kept pushing. I heard some self doubt creep into my brain, and I pictured myself doing burpees in the middle of Michigan Avenue. At mile 23. Seriously? I chuckled to myself. At mile 23.

By mile 24, I could see the jumbotron at the turn to the finish on Roosevelt Rd. I knew it was 2 miles away, but still. I could see it. Unfortunately, my Garmin died at mile 24. I was told that this model had 4 hours of battery and that was not an exaggeration! Oh well...That made me laugh too. On a more serious note, I tried not to let the sight of more and more runners walking, and some lying on the ground affect me.

Instead, I let my music carry me home. Eminem came on, rapping Till I Collapse: "but you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength, and pull that shit out of you and get that motivation not to give up, and not be a quitter no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse..."--seriously, that should have been blasting from loudspeakers this at this point for all those runners walking and laying on the ground. I don't know, but it worked for me. This song was followed by Rage at the Machine singing "Killing in the Name of" ("f-no I won't do what you told me"). Talk about powerful. And motivational. There was no way I was stopping. Hamstrings, shut up!

As I hit mile 26, my favorite running song, by Noel Gallagher (formerly of Oasis) singing "A Simple Game of Genius" came on. The coincidence of my favorite running song, singing me to the finish line, was not lost on me. I plodded up that hill on Roosevelt Rd, towards the curve that I knew would take me into the finish chutes. The final approach was lined with medical personnel. Guess that's what you see when you finish faster than 5:26...

I crossed the finish line in 4:17:55. Mylar blanket around my back, medal over my head, I headed towards the food, called my husband, and then Zuly. While I was talking with Zuly, I stood up on my tippy toes to get some food, and my legs froze up. I couldn't stand on my feet, they were completely rigid. What a weird feeling!!!! I started to fall backwards, and someone thankfully caught me. The police came over and another person came with a wheelchair. I kept telling them I was fine, it was just leg cramps, but they wheeled me to the medical tent. Poor Zuly, on the phone still, asking me if I was ok! I told her I was fine, and I'd call her back.

I am the worst patient, and proud of it. People were in the tent, moaning, vomiting, and I just wanted to leave. While I was waiting to be seen by a medical professional, I chugged a Gatorade and stretched my legs. They were so busy that they finally let me sign myself out. "I'm a nurse practitioner!" I kept telling them. I'm sure they were rolling their eyes. I would have been. Once I walked out, I grabbed some food and a Goose Island 312.

That's more like it!! I couldn't stop smiling!! 

Remember my goals for this race? To finish faster than last time and to feel strong enough to drink a beer? Mission accomplished. I sipped on that beer as I headed to my meeting place, where I planned to meet my friends.

Penny, me, Sara, and Karen

The park was ridiculously crowded but I found Sara! and Penny found us. Finally Karen met up with us and we all talked about our races. Karen and I PR'd! Sara BQ'd! Penny didn't meet her time goal but pushed through a nagging ITB and finished respectably. We all had good races.

Nicole, Jackie, and me

While we were talking, I heard my name and saw my neighbor and her family, including her 2 cute twins (who are part of the Blackhawks Ice Crew). I had to take a picture with them, even though I look so old with them...

This was a great race for me. I couldn't sleep that night, I had so much adrenaline and endorphins running through me. When I got to work the next morning, I found out the entire office had been tracking Bonita and me. It was amazing. But even better is that feeling I have of crushing a goal. Of getting that bad race from 3 years ago off my back. I did what I set out to do, what I knew I had in me. I don't know if I can put into words what it feels like to run a race like this. Sure, a few less potty stops and technological glitches would have been nice. But would I have run any faster without that? I don't know. Those mini-breaks gave me a chance to catch my breath. I didn't let it throw me, either. I set a time goal of 4:30 for this race and while I knew I could do better than that, I let myself have that cushion, just in case. I loved everything about this marathon...my training...the support from all my friends...the race. The weather was perfect. Even if there are subsequent marathons, there will never be another one quite like this. Because this was the one that showed me..I CAN and I WILL!

Marathon week 12-Ready to go!

Once again, my week started off with lots of mama drama. It would be so much easier to train for a marathon without all the pressures of family and work. But that's why we do it, I think! Life never fails to amaze me. Just when you think things are going your way, the rug gets pulled out from under you. Last Monday, I found out my oldest son was failing 3 classes, my youngest had a torn MCL and maybe ACL, and my husband got laid off from his job. Any one of these things would be tough, but to have this all happen in one day was almost more than I could handle. I dealt with each situation--my oldest is slowly bringing those grades up and turning in his homework--which he wasn't doing. My youngest has his MRI tomorrow, so we'll have a better idea what is happening inside that knee and what the next step is. My husband picked up some side work for this upcoming week. I actually have an opportunity to do some moonlighting at work too--which I'll think about--say it with me--after the marathon!

Monday: rest day/stress day (see above)

Tuesday: I had a bike ride on the plan but after the day I had on Monday, I strayed from the plan for the first time. I needed to run. Do you ever feel that you NEED to run? After all, most of us didn't start running because we wanted to do marathons--we run for health reasons or like me, for stress relief. I decided to do 5, because had I biked, it would have been a 45 minute ride. I didn't run by pace, I just ran. I listened to my music, lost myself in my thoughts, and ran like I wasn't training for anything. It felt great! I came home and felt much more at peace than I had earlier.

Wednesday: I decided not to go to the yoga studio, and risk injury. You just never know. Sometimes she makes us do partner yoga, which I'm not a fan of, and during which I've had overzealous partners push me too deep into a pose and OUCH! So I did yoga at home. I found a yin video on YouTube for hips and hamstrings. I love yin yoga--holding the poses for 3 minutes (or longer) is a lot harder than you might think. But by holding a pose for an extended period of time, you are able to get into that connective tissue and really loosen things up. I would have liked a little more hamstring opening with this video, but overall, it was really good.

Thursday: Last set of mile repeats x4 on the plan. I was tired, most likely from all the stress of the week. I thought there would be no way I could match my speed of last week, but I decided to give it a try. Once again, I surprised myself! Mile 4 was a little tougher, but when I compare this workout to last week, I ran the first 3 mile splits faster this week. I can't complain about mile 4, but isn't it funny what a difference 10 seconds makes? Sheesh. Still, these were fun and I'm going to miss them!

After this, I headed over to see Becky for my last CrossFit before the marathon. I thought she'd go easy on me, since it was the taper, but when I got there, she already had a "station" set up for me. the prowler with 30#, slamball 15# x 15 reps (for every slam to the ground I said "fear" and "doubt" in my head), and 35# kettlebell deadlifts x 10 reps. I repeated this series 6 times. I was sweating profusely, but smiling when I was done. These tough workouts have made the difference in my training. Not only did they make me stronger, they made me tougher. I pushed through all of them, but there were many times I wanted to quit. I couldn't, though. What would be the point of quitting? When I was done, I thanked Becky for all she's done for me. She told me she never had any doubt I could do this, and that she was proud of me. Big words from a trainer who pushes me hard and doesn't give a ton of feedback. I was beaming when I left.

Friday: rest day

Saturday: 4 miles. It was cold, windy, and....snowing? Ummm, I was wearing shorts just 2 days before? There was rain, there was snow. It was yucky. I had no plan for this run, I just decided to run by feel. Mile 1 was fast, and then I got in a groove. It was a good run, but I was glad it was only 4 miles. Brrrr....

After my run, I went to work. It was an unusually pleasant Saturday morning in the clinic--they are usually really busy, but for some reason, I had a lot of cancellations. One of my favorite families came in. This is one of my Hispanic, Spanish speaking families, with 3 children. The youngest, who is now 6 months old, was born with a significant heart defect, requiring surgery shortly after birth. When they initially came to me, I was really worried about their ability to care for him. Together with my medical assistant, we have made a great team, and he is doing well--albeit facing another surgery within the month. Dad cried when he told me. They really are wonderful people to work with. For my birthday last month, they surprised me with flowers and balloons--and made me cry! Yesterday they told me they want to come see me run the marathon. I was speechless. We talked to them about how big the race is and how hard it would be for them to see me. But just that they even considered coming to see me run just floored me. Wow. My heart was full after that encounter.

Sunday: Today was my last long run of my training. I had 8 miles on the plan. My plan was to run them at marathon pace, 9:30 min/mil. The weather was better, but still very cool this morning. I would actually be fine with this weather next Sunday. As you can see by my splits, I did a nice job maintaining that steady pacing I'm looking for. It wasn't easy, as my legs wanted to fly. It's a lot easier for me to run fast than it is to hold back, but I've been working on this and it shows. I'm really happy with this run, and I don't think at this point I could be any more ready.

Garmin connect changed this and for the life of me, I don't know the difference between av pace and av moving pace. Anyone? Anyone?

So, where do we go from here? I've got a couple short runs on the plan this week and then the big show. Last night I re-read all of my weekly recaps, and my mouth dropped as I read them. I was amazed at the difference in my posts from the early weeks up until now. My recent posts show a stronger runner, both physically and mentally. I'm so glad I wrote them. It was a great way to document my progress and it shows me that I'm where I need to be. This training was perfect for me. My legs feel good. I feel ready to go.

Under pressure

10 days to go until the Chicago Marathon. I've done the work and I am ready. Physically for sure. Mentally--well, I'm still working on that. No matter how much preparation I do for an event, I still get anxious and self-doubt starts to creep in. I've been working really hard on shutting it out this time. This morning was my last speed work sessions, mile repeats x4. I didn't think I could match the speed of last week's session, but I was determined to try. I told myself that if I could do it again, there is absolutely no reason for me to doubt myself.

And I did it. My first 3 mile splits were perfect. Mile three got a little tough at the end. Mile 4 was tough the whole time. My legs didn't want to move as fast as I needed them to go. So I pushed harder. I was really breathing hard. I wanted to quit. But I knew quitting will ruin my confidence. So I pushed through it. And here's the outcome:

Ok, not so bad! If only I could have run 10 seconds faster on mile 4--how crazy is that? Anyways, pushing through that tough mile was really good for me, mentally. And this week was actually faster by 16 seconds overall compared to last week's mile splits. So there's that...

Why do I push myself like this? As we all know, I've run the marathon before, and finishing should have been enough, right? When I tell people why I'm running it again, to run the kind of race that I know I'm capable of, all I get are blank stares. Of course, these are non-runners I'm talking to, but still. I compare this a lot to something I did as a child and young adult...play the piano.

I was a very musical child, and took piano lessons for 10 years. I loved playing and practiced my pieces for hours, working on perfecting them and memorizing them. When I was in junior high and high school, I competed in the musical competitions, always taking a blue ribbon home for playing my pieces. I also accompanied the choruses and played with the jazz band. It was something I loved and something I was good at. It was also very important to do my best because really, there is nothing worse than listening to someone stumble through a musical performance. I used to play for my grandparents, and my grandfather would never tell me I did well. He did point out my mistakes to me, saying that I shouldn't play for him if I was going to make mistakes. As I got older, that really used to bother me, since he didn't play the piano. But he was the only person to criticize me. Playing the piano (and the oboe and the bassoon!) was my thing. That was what I did well. So why did his criticism carry so much weight?

I'll tell you what it did do for me...it rocked my self confidence. I started getting increasingly nervous for performances. Even when I was accompanying the chorus, I was so conscious of my performance. I was so worried people would pick out my mistakes. My fingers would sweat and slide on the keys. When I look back on this, I wish I had realized that I wasn't focus of 99% of the audience, and that no one was paying attention to whether or not I was making a mistake.

This lack of self confidence also affected me in other areas of my life, which I have mostly resolved. But to this day, I have yet to not be anxious on race day. I am SO much better than I used to be. I've run enough races to feel comfortable in the routine and rhythm of the day. I've met a group of ladies that I meet at some of my races and that helps me shake off the nerves like nothing I've done before. The fact that I've been running for 25 years also gives me comfort, because once I start running, my body and mind just click into autopilot. I get excited at the starting line. If I listen to my music, well, there's comfort in that too, because I've trained with all those tunes. And I know that everyone gets a little pre-race jitters--that's what makes us perform well because it shows we care about how we do.

This picture is from 2011, the year I ran Chicago. Talk about a crowd...

The marathon is a different animal. Especially Chicago. It is a spectacle. It's big, it's loud, it's crowded, it's wild, it's amazing. The energy is palpable. It is impossible not to get caught up in the atmosphere. I've been there and I know what it's like. Having that experience is helpful this time around. I know what to expect. I am determined to let my physical preparation carry me to the finish line. But how do I not let my anxiety get the best of me this time? Competitor magazine had some good articles on this and I took their list and applied it to me:

Control what you can control. 

Here's what I can't control: the weather. the crowd. the noise. the energy. my family.

I can control my pace. While running my long runs, my goal was to have even splits the entire time. I did that very well. I used my Garmin to monitor my pacing and I also kept tabs on how I felt. 

I don't have a lot of control on what's going on inside my body. After having lots of GI issues early in my training, I switched my fuel to Tailwind, which seemed to work really well for me. That will be my only fuel and I'll have to carry a bottle on the course. I'd rather do that than stress about my tummy. I'm also really watching what I eat over the next 10 days. It's the best I can do!

Staying relaxed will help me feel in control. It sounds simple but for example, I woke up this morning clenching my muscles. Do you ever wake up clenching your muscles? Ugh. When I ran this morning, I had to remind myself to stop clenching, and I'd actually shake out my hands. It really, really helps. I will do this if I have to and as often as I need to. 

Use mantras and positive self talk.

I've been doing this all along, but after all the stress life threw at me this week, I had to really pull myself out of the dark hole! Yesterday I was feeling better, and at work I hung up 2 signs.

This one in my workstation:

And this one in my office:

Corny? Cheesy? Hey, works for me, so don't knock it! And don't even listen to my playlist, then...it's full of songs with positive and motivating messages but certainly not critically acclaimed music. I like to call them guilty pleasures. I'm sharing it with you here, in case you want to raid it for your own use. But please don't judge me based on my selection. I do listen to other music too.

Some of the songs obviously are just fun to run to. They're all familiar to me and that's important too.

And while I'm running, thinking positive thoughts would be good. "I feel strong" or "I got this", sound way better than "I'm so tired" or "I can't do this". Smiling helps! Seriously! The encouragement of spectators always puts a smile on my face and lightens my step.

Channel your nerves with mental imagery.

Instead of focusing on how tired I feel or if I'm not running at the pace I want to run at, I plan on reminding myself of how hard I worked to prepare and how I pushed myself through hard workouts-both running (for example, my speedwork today) and Crossfit. All that stuff Becky had me do was not only physically hard but mentally challenging as well. It would have been so easy to quit, to walk, to give up. But where would that get me? So I need to dig deep when it gets tough and think back to those tough workouts (those intervals with the rower will be a good image for me!) No negative self talk allowed. Becky told me for every negative thought or statement, I'd have to do 10 burpees. Who wants to do that in the middle of a race course?

Sorry about the f bomb

Just seeing the race course is helpful too. There are a ton of videos on youtube of the Chicago marathon course. I couldn't find one for this year (Nike usually puts out a time lapsed one, which is fun to watch) but this recap from the 2013 marathon is a good one. 

Create flexible goals. 

So my originals goals for this marathon were to finish better than my last disastrous marathon and strong enough to have a beer at the finish line (Goose Island 312!). My training has gone so well that I've refined my goals a bit. I have a time goal of 4:30. If all the stars are aligned and my head is in the right place, I can best that. I know I can meet that time goal. But no matter what happens, I want to know that I did my best. 

One final, but important goal I set is to enjoy the race. Running is a gift. Not everyone can do this, and only 0.1% of people have ever completed a marathon. I get to do my second marathon. And it was a gift--my entry fee paid for by my employer as a prize in an instagram contest. I was fortunate to be able to train with a coach this time around and had fun for my entire training. I didn't get injured during my training. I completed every workout and ran strong.

So let's go!

Chicago marathon training week 11--and now, it gets real

It's really happening!!!! My Golden Ticket!

So even though I did my long run of 18 the previous week, I'm still not feeling like I'm tapering yet. I still had some longish runs and speedwork to do this week. And coming back from Charleston and boom! back to reality was tough, but the beautiful fall weather we are having helped make my landing a soft one.

Monday: I had a bike ride on the plan, but I didn't get home from the airport until 4 pm, and I was just too tired to ride. Plus I wanted to see my family! I didn't feel too guilty about missing this one, since we did so much walking and I ran 2 days in Charleston. My legs and feet were really tired and it felt good to take the day off. But it felt great to bask in the memories of our really wonderful trip together. We had a lot of laughs, particularly on our last night while we were out to dinner. Because sitting across the room from us was this infamous southern politician who shall remain nameless. You know the one. Who cheated on his wife while she was being treated for cancer? Got another woman pregnant? Let's just say he's as handsome as they say he is, and leave it at that. Taking this picture gave us fits of giggles, because that is a mirror behind me. And even thought we were laughing obnoxiously, he didn't give us even a cursory glance..yep, we're the paparazzi sisters...

Tuesday: Back to business with 8 miles before I had to work. My alarm didn't go off! Crap! I flew out of bed, fed the boys and made lunches, and flew out the door to get my run in. I knew I'd be late for work, but I didn't care. I wanted to get this one in, since I skipped my bike ride the day before. And I literally flew through those 8 miles, getting them done in 1:11:50. Funny thing, my alarm went off during my run, an hour later than I had set it for. I realized then that even though my phone was on Chicago time, my alarm stayed on Charleston time! Seriously? I showered and sped off to work, getting there only 5 minutes late. 'Cause that's how I roll..

Wednesday: yoga Wednesday. I was all set to head over to the yoga studio but my oldest son sent me a text that he hit a car in the school parking lot. Ugh. Of course, he didn't call me...but that's another story. I spent wasted an hour playing detective, trying to sort this out, on the phone with the school security officer, the insurance company, and my husband. This kid is killing me. After all that, I headed to my mat to do the Seawheeze yoga video. But I just wasn't feeling it. This was the day I searched his room, found some drug paraphernalia, and called his school guidance counselor for guidance. What a tough day. I'm grateful for all the cute babies I had on my schedule that day, because they put that smile back on my face and made me forget about my son for a while. Him, I dealt with when I got home. He, of course, denied everything. 

Thursday: Speed work aka mile repeats x4. I started out with the plan to run them about 8:15. But after mile 1, it was clear that my legs wanted to run them faster. Maybe the events of the day before took a toll, but I had a lot of tiger in my tank. I knew that if I ran them fast, I needed to run them consistently. I knew it would be tough, but I thought that might actually be good for me, mentally, if I was successful. And I was. Mile 4 was tough, but I pulled it out. This was the workout I needed, the one that convinced me that I'm ready for the marathon, that this is the real deal. I finished mile 4 and headed back to my car, grinning from ear to ear. I'm surprised someone didn't report me to the mental health authorities! What a great run! Pinch me, because I must be dreaming! After I came back down to earth, I had some CrossFit homework that Becky left for me before going out of town. I had to do 50 backward lunges to balance, which were really challenging for me, balance-wise. I can tell that I've been neglecting my hips a little bit. I also did 50 romanian deadlifts and 50 supermans. 

Friday: rest day. I was surprisingly, pleasantly sore from my CF homework the day before.

Saturday: I had 6 miles on the plan. I also had a breastfeeding conference to attend and needed to be there by 8 am. Which meant I had to run in the dark! I haven't done that since last spring. I pulled out my Petzl headlamp and headed out into the morning. It was perfect, 57 degrees! I didn't run with any plan in mind, just let my legs carry me. I mostly ran 8:55 mins/mi except miles 4 and 5 where I had a little tummy trouble. I didn't want to stop to use the bathroom, so I just sucked it up and slowed down. I made it home safely without any--umm--incidents. And headed to the conference. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am terrible at sitting for long periods of time. I could never have a desk job! My legs got really restless and my hips were talking to me the whole time. After dinner, I foam rolled and stretched for quite a while.

Sunday: My last double digit run of the marathon training plan, I had 12 to do. Like my 18 miler, I planned on running it at about 9:30 min/mi, or MP. As you can see, I absolutely succeeded on that. I had to make one pit stop at about mile 5--my tummy again--otherwise, the run was uneventful. I fueled again with Tailwind, which really went well. I had an issue with my water bottle springing a leak--I kept seeing my drink spurt out of a tiny pinhole on the side of the bottle. My hand was all sticky and wet. So I need to figure THIS out. I felt good when I finished, aside from a little toe pain--yes, it's back. And check out mile 12...I guess I was ready to be done! 

And now the real decrease in the miles begins! Gives me a chance to rehab my legs a bit and rest. Hoping for an uneventful 2 weeks until the big day! I'm still smiling!

The hardest job in the world....

One of the hardest things for me, as a parent, is watching my boys struggle. Sure, all kids struggle at times, but some seem to struggle more than others. When my boys were little, my youngest son was very clingy and shy. In preschool, his best friend was a girl, because the boys were too rough for him. Now, at 15, he is outgoing and confident, and travels with a large pack of boys, many of whom were those same preschoolers that were "too rough" for him back when they were 4. He plays football, and in spite of his smaller size, is an impact player on the A team for his high school. I have no idea how it happened or where this confidence came from. I look at him, and think, how did I get this kid? How did he turn it around?

My oldest is a different story. Friendly, talkative, and helpful as a child, around other kids, he could be shy but always had friends. He was more of a follower than a leader, and that always worried me. Now he really worries me more than ever. Lacking in self confidence, he is doing things that are getting him into trouble. His judgement has been really poor over the past year. I've written before about my summer with the boys and some of the trials they've put me through. I hoped when school settled down, so would my boys. My youngest has. Between playing football and doing school work, he's busy and doing well. I don't worry so much about him.

But my oldest? This past week, I received notice that he's failing 2 classes. His excuse is that school just started and he'll get his grades up. He never seems to have homework. But that's because he isn't doing it. When I received an email from one of his teachers regarding his failing grade, I told him he was grounded. He protested mightily. I also found out that he never told me about or signed up for the PSAT practice test. We argued about that. He signed up at the last minute, and used that to try to negotiate his punishment. No deal.

All day long I got these yesterday.....

Yesterday, I finally did what I never have wanted to do as a parent, and searched his room. It didn't feel good. Confirming what I already suspected, I found some rolling papers and lighters. No weed, though. I wasn't surprised at what I found, but I was really sad. I talked with my husband, who is normally much slower to punish than I am, and he and I talked about how we were going to handle this. I also talked with my son's guidance counselor at school, who was extremely helpful. Her suggestion was to drug test him. As was the suggestion of one of my friends who has been going through something similar with her son.

Ugh. When I worked at my old clinic, a medicaid clinic, I had parents ask me to drug test their kids all the time. I wouldn't do it. I told them that if they suspected their kids were using drugs, most likely they were right, and that they could buy a test over the counter to confirm their suspicions. I didn't want to be the one to confront the kids. Now that I'm in their shoes, I totally get why they wanted me to be the bad guy. Because it doesn't feel good to have that conversation. But I knew I had to do it.

So last night, when I got home from work, I asked my son to come upstairs. I opened his desk drawer and pulled out what I had found. I told him that I hated to have to do that, but that I was getting really worried about him. He looked stunned, but told me he bought the stuff to "sell it" to other kids. I asked him why he would want to do that and he said that he just thought they might want it. None of the paraphernalia was used. So I'm still not clear on why he had it. I asked him if he was smoking weed, and he of course denied it. I asked him if I did a drug test, would it be positive? He said no, but he wouldn't look me in the eye. "So," I said, "if I gave you a cup to pee in, and I tested it, nothing would show up?" He looked down and said no. I told him that if things didn't improve, that I would do that. He mumbled some smart ass remark and slunk away to the couch where he was watching videos on his phone.

He's home today, no school because of the Jewish holiday, and he has not asked me once about getting "ungrounded". He's also been pretty quiet, and not saying much to me. I don't know if he's thinking about what we talked about or not. Maybe I'm not tough enough. Maybe I should have made him give me a urine sample last night. But what would it prove? Something I already know? Am I wrong? I will say my husband I both agreed that we don't want to do this.

I don't think he's using that often, but I worry that it could turn into more than casual use. He's a quiet kid now, with few friends. He doesn't play sports. What better way to get attention and notoriety than to do bad things, get a reputation for smoking weed and failing classes?

Believe it or not, I was this kid in high school. I had zero self confidence. I had friends but I always felt awkward, like I didn't fit in. My sister Lisa was the cheerleader and super popular. I could never live up to that standard, so I made my own. I smoked pot, I drank...my grades dropped. So so stupid! Is history repeating itself? If I could do it over again...but they say hindsight is 20/20. For sure. And we learn from our mistakes and grow. As long as we don't do anything really stupid and hurt ourselves or get in trouble, that is...

I was pretty lost until my late 20s. When my lack of self esteem and anxiety began to take over my life,  I started to run. As I continued to run, I started to feel good about myself. I still had a long way to go, but running really turned my life around. So this morning, when I came back from my fantastic speed work session, feeling on top of the world in spite of what is going on at home, I said to my son, "its too bad you don't like to run. It really helps me feel good." He just grunted. But he sees this! He sees what I'm doing! Why can't he apply it to his life?

It's hard to sit back and watch him make some of the same mistakes I did as a teen. I'm fortunate that I was able to turn it around. I wish I could make him see how much easier his life would be if he had an outlet, like running, to make him feel good about himself. Right now, all I can do is hold his hand and try to keep him from going backwards.