BadAss 5 Miler Virtual Race Recap and linkup

As you know from my last post about this race,  I was a little skeptical about running a virtual race. I didn't know how to prepare for this race and how to make it special, since I run 5 miles most days. Do I run it on a different course? Do I run it in my neighborhood? Do I wear the bib? And when do I run it? The race dates are scheduled for May 29-31, but due to scheduling conflicts, I'm not able to run it on any of those days. I'll probably get a 5 miler in next Saturday, but I have to work, and I don't want to "race" before I head into the office to see patients. I decided I'd run it this weekend, but again, where? I had a variety of options in my head. The forest preserve? The retention pond? Do I wait until we head up to Wisconsin and run up there?

After consulting the weather forecast (which is a must when racing, even virtual racing), I made the decision to run this race here, at home, in my neighborhood, on the 5 mile route I run most days, the one that starts and ends at my house, on Saturday. The weather for the rest of the weekend looked iffy. Heck, the town where are I live already cancelled Monday's Memorial Day parade, based on the the prediction of thunderstorms. Seriously. We are becoming a bunch of weather wimps, if you ask me.

So in my planning, I discovered the first advantage of running a virtual race. Flexible scheduling! No need to plan around the race, I planned the race around me and my schedule. The second advantage I already was realizing is that weather would not be an issue for my race! I picked a beautiful spring morning--it was 52 degrees and sunny at "race time", which was about 7:10 by the time I got moving. The conditions were perfect for a PR.

Anyways, once I made the decision to run at home, I felt a sense of relief. Yes, I was feeling a little pressure around this one! I wanted to PR this race, besting my 5 mile PR of 40:45, which I got last November at a Turkey Trot. If you're going to run a virtual race, you need to make it meaningful, right?

Ready to run!

I fueled with 2 cups of coffee and chocolate soy milk, and headed out to my driveway  the starting line. I considered putting a rendition of the Star Spangled Banner on my running playlist, but thought that was taking it a little too far. Instead, I grooved to Killing in the Name of by Rage Against the Machine while I waited for my Garmin to find a signal. After about a minute, I got the go ahead and I was off!

It didn't take long for my legs to fall into a groove, which I was pleased with, since I didn't foam roll after my heavy lifting session with Becky earlier this week. As I ran, I was thinking that I didn't have that surge of adrenaline I get at the start of a race, but then a loud motorcycle sped by me at high speed, and I just about jumped out of my Asics. Ok, then, my heart rate is up!

I continued to weave through my neighborhood, listening to my half marathon playlist. I was moving pretty fast, and kept trying to hold back. My legs wanted to fly, and that was a pretty awesome feeling! I saw a couple of my neighbors out walking their dogs. I waved and kept going. I didn't see any other runners, but I did see some cyclists.

About mile 3, I started to get a side stitch, and my tummy was cramping a little. I didn't want to stop to use the bathroom at the park fieldhouse, because my Garmin stops when I do, and wouldn't that be cheating? So I ignored the cramps, slowed down a little bit (you can see that reflected in my splits), and let things settle down. I picked up the pace again, and headed for the homestretch.

The final stretch takes me along the frontage road that runs along a highway. I was moving really fast, and was starting to feel a little lot nauseous. I looked down at my Garmin and saw my time--I knew I was in the vicinity of a PR, so I pushed through the discomfort. I turned the corner onto my street, and as I approached my house the finish line, I hit mile 5 and pushed stop on my Garmin.

My splits. And a 7 second PR!

Well, seeing that just put a huge smile on my face! Even though it's not an official PR, it is a PR to me, and I glad I was able to push myself that hard without the motivation of a live race environment. Running a virtual race is a different experience--it's a different kind of mental prep. I put the finisher's medal around my neck, set up my phone to take a finisher's photo, and went in the house to have breakfast. 

A few more thoughts about running a virtual race: 

-A virtual race is A RACE. It might even be a little tougher than a live race because you don't have the race environment to motivate you. Set a time goal for your race. Make it meaningful. 

-Prepare yourself just like you would for a live race. Plan what you're going to wear. Take photos before and after. I took a picture wearing the bib, but I didn't race in the bib. I felt a little foolish, and my neighbors already think I'm weird. Maybe that wouldn't bother you, tho!

-Keep yourself honest. Sure, there's no official start/finish pad to track your time. No one but you will know if you cheat. But really, what's the point of that? You don't get to be a better runner by cheating yourself. 

-Plan your course ahead of time so you aren't weaving around to get the miles you need. I knew this route well because I run it all the time. And there is the definite advantage of running a familiar route!

-Savor the flexibility! Check the weather, run at the time of day that suits you the best. To me, this was a huge advantage. 

Overall, this was great experience for me. I loved the need for self-discipline, and the t-shirt and medal were awesome. Would I do another one? Well, it looks like I already have one on the calendar. I won a free entry to the Skirt Sports 13er, which is in June. That one is going to be a little more challenging. Local friends, if you want to run part or all of it with me, let me know! I'm working on the course/route as we speak!

Me vs Mother Nature

How was your weekend? For this holiday weekend, we had big plans. My husband was excited to go to his dad's lake house. At the last minute, he had to work Saturday and my youngest had an indoor football game, so we delayed our departure for Sunday. The weather forecast looked ominous, but optimistically, we got ourselves ready. We even laughed at the cancellation of our town's Memorial Day Parade, 3 days ahead of time, based on the forecast. Let Mother Nature win? Not this runner! 

Sunday morning was cloudy and my boys started protesting as soon as we woke them up. But we were on the road by 8. The rain started shortly after we crossed the Illinois Wisconsin state line. That radar picture above tells the story of the day. My heart sunk. We stopped in Madison to pick up the kayaks I had purchased. The rain poured as we pulled up to the lake house. We unloaded the kayaks and hoped to be able to use them. 

My father in law was waiting for us at the lake house. He had the TV on and told me I could put on whatever I wanted. I replied that we didn't come there to watch TV. Kind of rude of me, but at that point, my frustration level was pretty high. 

And as it turned out, we did watch a lot of TV. He doesn't have cable, so it was slim pickings. We watched Brady Bunch reruns. The French Open. Golf. Rick Bayless, who made some delicious looking Tortas. After dinner, NASCAR came on. I couldn't take it anymore. I noticed that it wasn't raining, so I headed down to the water to take one of the kayaks out. 

The water was like glass. I found myself taking deep breaths and savored the quiet. I paddled around the bay, each stroke cutting the surface on the water and smoothly moving me forward. I stopped paddling and just drifted. After a while, the dark clouds rolled back in and the wind picked up again. I headed back down the channel, feeling much more relaxed. 

It rained all night. This morning, I put on the news. The weather radar showed some breaks in the rain, so I headed out for my 5 miles. Not only did it rain on me, but the wind started to pick up. I raised my fist to the sky, determined not to let the weather get the best of me. Soaked but triumphant, I got my 5 miles done. 

After drying off and warming up in the shower, I decided to take the kayak out again. The sun started to peek through the clouds. It was really windy and I couldn't head out to the bay, so I paddled down the channel. 

Saw this guy sunning on a sunken boat. 

I soon had company. My youngest son was paddling towards me in the other kayak. "Pretty nice, " I commented. He nodded. And asked if we could go home.

Sigh. I completely understood. We all tried to make the best of a bad weekend. There was no complaining. My oldest son forgot his phone charger and his phone died. There's no wifi either. The house is really small and even when the weather cooperates, it's pretty close quarters. 

Still, I'm grateful I was able to spend time with my boys. We had some laughs. We watched some really bad TV. I got a run in. And I got out on the water. 

Mother Nature, you are a formidable foe. But as hard as you tried, you didn't stop me. 

How was your weekend? Mother Nature make other plans for you?

I'm linking this post up with Tara at ReadingNRunning for her Weekend Update! I'm typing this on my phone while we're driving home, so if the post looks weird, you'll know why! 

My other love

This morning, on my bike ride, I was thinking about writing this blog post and how much I love riding my bike. Riding my bike makes me feel like a kid again. Do you remember your first bike? This is me, on my 7th birthday, and that's my birthday crown on my head. Our driveway was a gravel hill, and you really couldn't get moving fast, unless you started at the top of the driveway and headed down the hill. Which I did, a lot, until the day that my black lab, happy to see me, ran in front of me, and I hit him. Together, we tumbled down the driveway, head over heels, and landed in a heap. There were no helmets back then. How we didn't get hurt, besides a few scrapes, is beyond me. We weren't allowed to ride on the busy rural road that passed my house. There was a grass path between my house and my cousins', and I'd ride my bike on it to get there. We could take the path past my cousins' houses, and onto another dirt path to my grandma's farm. The farmhouse was set was back from the road, and her driveway, while also gravel, was long, and you could get moving pretty fast. We played at the farm all day long, and it's no wonder we had no issues with our weight. We were really active kids. I absolutely loved riding my bike.

So this morning, as happens to me on so many other bike rides, I pedalled along the forest preserve path and was taken back to those days as a child. I find myself getting so lost in my ride, so "zen", that I lose my focus, and have some close calls with cars, potholes, or forget to unclip when I stop. This morning though, it started to rain as I rode, and so I was a little more attentive to my surroundings. I had to keep stopping to wipe my glasses. I could have used little windshield wipers. I sure didn't want to wipe out! Broken arm? Who's got time for that?

Flat tire? Who's got time for that, is what I should have asked myself. As soon as the rain stopped, I headed into my favorite part of the forest preserve. My back tire started acting funny. At first I thought it was in my head. But no. I finally stopped, and looked down at the back tire. It looked ok, but I squeezed it, and yes, it was flat. Crap! I called my husband, and he offered to send my son to pick me up. Luckily, there was still a little air in the tire, and I rode it slowly to a nearby strip mall to wait for my son.

A little unhappy.

I got home, took my bike to the bike shop, and got the tire fixed. The technician told me that it went flat because it was underinflated. Who knew?

Apparently there's a lot I don't know about riding a bike. Riding a road bike, while invoking those feelings of childhood pleasure, is a little more involved than just hopping on and going for a ride on a banana bike. In the spirit of the Friday Five linkup, hosted by the DC trifecta, here's my top 5 tips for road biking. I'm no expert, but this is what I've learned over the past 3 years since I bought my road bike. I'm sure some of you more serious cyclists and triathletes have other top 5 tips, but remember, I'm a runner who's biking to crosstrain. It's all about fitness and fun for me!

EatPrayRunDC, Mar on the Run, You Signed Up For What?

So here we go:

1. You're going to need a lot of accessories. Runners think running is expensive? Try cycling. I have a basic entry level road bike, a Trek Lexa (which I love), which was pretty pricey, although nothing compared to what you could spend. I even got it on sale, and my husband still didn't talk to me for a couple of days after buying it. Sigh. In addition to the bike, I have had to purchase padded bike shorts for comfort. My seat is really hard, and it takes a little while to get used to that. I also have gloves, a helmet, sunglasses (with interchangeable lenses for different light conditions), 2 bottle holders and drink bottles, and an air pump and spare innertube. These last 2 items really give me a false sense of security, because I don't know how to change a tire. Which brings me to the next item:

"Oh look! Is it a stockbroker? Is it a quality surveyor? Is it a church warden? No! It's Bicycle Repairman!"-Monty Python's flying circus. I thought about this sketch today! Where was he when I needed him?  I may be dating myself here. This is an oldie...

2. You need to learn some basic bicycle maintenance. I'm no bicycle repairman. As you know, I'm a do as I say, not as I do kind of gal, and I have yet to learn to change a tire. My local bike shop as well as REI offer regular maintenance classes. After today, I resolve to attend one. My blogging friend Amanda "Too Tall Fritz" also has a link to an instructional tutorial here. A guy at the bike shop today told me that if I could do it myself, it would only take 10 minutes and I'd be rolling again.

3. Learning to clip your shoes into your pedals is not for the timid. But it is so worth it. You can pedal so much more smoothly and go so much faster. When I bought my bike, it came with toe cages, and I used to wear my old running shoes. Last summer I finally got up the courage to take the plunge and ride with shoe clips. I've had a few near falls--a few times when I had to stop short for a car and couldn't get unclipped fast enough. I'm that cyclist who unclips about a 1/4 mile before a stoplight. I like to be prepared. My advice, if you're thinking of going with shoe clips is to try them out while standing still before going on the road. I made the bike shop let me try them out in the store before I'd take my bike home. The technicians just rolled their eyes at me. Whatever.

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4. Ahem. Don't let those diehard cyclists intimidate you. I may be biased here, but it seems to me that a lot (not all) of cyclists are a bit arrogant. This came as a shock to me, since runners are not generally like this. But I've had plenty of incidents where I said hi to a passing cyclist, and they just ignored me. Last summer when I ran Zooma on the Chicago Lakefront path, there were cyclists who rode by at high speed, and I believe they rode a little too close to the runners on purpose. It was, to put it mildly, a little frightening. You know the ones, riding the fancy $7000 Italian bikes that weigh like 2 ounces? Those guys. My favorite thing to do on my bike path is pass them up on my low end Trek Lexa. Getting chicked? You think runners hate it? Do it to a cyclist. So satisfying....

5. So, on that note, be courteous. Don't be "that cyclist". Follow the rules of the road. Ride with the traffic, not against it. Use hand signals to turn. Don't cut in front of cars. Last spring, I was driving my son home from school, and this cyclist kept passing me at stoplights and stop signs. I'd get ahead of him, and there he was again. He was riding like a maniac. Imagine my surprise when I pulled up next to him and got a good look at him. It was the boys' former orthodontist. Wow! What a jerk! All that money I paid for braces, and this is what he does with it? Terrorize motorists? He's so nice in the office. You just never know who you might see. And if you want to be seen (what a segue, right?), wear high visibility clothing. Actually, I always wear a race shirt when I ride my bike, too, because I want those die hards to know that I'm not a cyclist. I'm a runner. And proud of it.

Most importantly, have fun on your bike. Riding a bike is a great form of cross training for runners. Lots of times, a runner can ride a bike when they're injured, because cycling is a non-weight bearing activity. While I was healing from a broken foot, twice, I was able to maintain my cardiovascular fitness/endurance by riding my bike. The endorphins help too.

PS: The bike technician had a joke for me: What do you call a cyclist without a bike? A runner. What a knee slapper...

Do you bike? Did I forget anything? Any other tips you might add?

I'm also linking up with Jill Conyers for Fitness Friday! All kinds of tips over there!

Interview with Dimity McDowell Davis: Another Mother Runner

True to her word, Dimity came through with an amazing, thoughtful interview. Knowing her life circumstances, I have to say that I didn't expect to hear from her. Since Sarah (aka SBS), her partner in crime and running, broke her ankle, Dimity has been forced to fly solo. Last week after I forwarded the link to the book review, she emailed me and told me she'd answer my questions on a flight cross country. I think once you read this, you'll see that she came through and then some. The original Badass Mother Runners have always been there for the tribe. And this was no exception. 

So here's the interview. Enjoy! And have you read the book review? Linked up? You can find it here.

TTLWH: All of your books were helpful, inspirational, and enjoyable. But I have to say that this book, Tales of Another Mother Runner, was my favorite of all of the three books. I’m always looking for inspiration, and there’s a lot of it here. Which book is your favorite?

DMD: That’s a tough question—like asking me to name my favorite kid. Run Like a Mother got this whole party started, and I love that its tone and perspective grew the roots of the AMR tribe. I didn’t think I’d enjoy writing Train Like a Mother as much as I did; I’m not one for rigorous schedules, at least when it comes to running, but I really enjoyed pulling together the training plans in a way that I knew would work for women like me (some flexibility in the schedule, some fun workouts, plenty of footnotes). Tales from Another Mother Runner was a different project because there were so many voices in it, and I love it for that reason. Getting to work with 21 talented writers as we polished their essays is pretty much my idea of work utopia.

TTLWH: I love how the books make such a perfect trilogy of must-have running books for women. When you and Sarah wrote the first book, did you have plans for #2 and #3? Or did they just evolve over time?

DMD: We had no plans when we wrote Run Like a Mother. Zero. We reluctantly got a Facebook page and Twitter accounts because our (wise) publicist suggested them. After the community started to grow, we noticed how many training questions were popping up—questions we hadn’t addressed in RLAM—so TLAM was born. And TAMR just felt like the right thing to do to celebrate the power of a mile and the power of the AMR community.

TTLWH: The stories in Tales are so inspirational, and you amassed an amazing collection of essays and authors. Of course, I loved Heather’s essay titled Taking the Long Way Home, not only because that’s the name of my blog, but because I’m married to a guy like Joe. Maybe you don’t want to say, but I’m going to ask, if you had to pick one essay as your favorite, which one would it be and why?

DMD: Ugh. Again with the hard questions! It’s too hard to call out one. But I will say, I am especially fond of the essays that integrate “real life” into the mix—and by real life, I mean infertility, affairs, divorce, depression, and other fun topics. Sometimes we—and by we, I mean I—want to separate our lives into little silos: this one is for running, this one is for parenting, this one is for marriage, this one is for speed bumps, etc. The reality is, life is one funky mess most of the time. The more complicated essays in TAMR acknowledge that—and validate how vital a run is to find some space to think, vent, smile, cry, grow, and make decisions. Kinda like a buy one, get one deal. 

TTLWH: Adrienne interviewed me for a story that ended up on the blog about breaking up with a running partner. I was thrilled to have my story featured on the blog, of course! I still laugh when I run by that guy’s house. Anyways, there were so many great stories on the blog that didn’t make the book. How hard was it to narrow it down to the essays that appeared in the book? 

DMD: So hard. I don’t know the formula or the right words, but books are put together in page packets—definitely the wrong word—of 8. And I wanted the book to have a certain flow and not let any section meander for too long. Combine those two things, and I had to make some tough choices. The good news is that I knew we had space on the website for all the stuff we couldn’t fit into the book. Silver lining.

TTLWH: Where do you find inspiration? Who inspires you?

DMD: While I will always admire a great performance—a win, a PR, an ultra-marathon finish—it’s the beginners who really resonate with me. I so enjoy meeting women at expos who are running their first 5K, first 10K, first half-marathon, first marathon. They have this awkward aura about them, like they’re about to be pushed out of a nest. They’re often unsure of themselves, but we, as experienced runners, can sense that the finish line is going to change them. Send them on a path that they could’ve never predicted, and their lives are going to richer for it. It gets me every time.

courtesy of anothermotherrunner.com

TTLWH: Your essay on your struggle with depression was especially poignant. As someone who started running to fight depression and anxiety, this essay hit home for me. How hard was this for you to write? Being sidelined by injury, what are you doing to get your endorphins on?

DMD: I had parts of Defying Gravity in my head for most of the summer of 2014. I’d come out of the worst of it, and I was trying to make sense of the awful winter just past. I wasn’t sure, though, that I was ever going to write it—or include it in the book. I sat down and wrote part of it, sent it onto a few close friends and asked for their opinions. Most were very positive–not the right word, but you get what I mean—about it, noting that they had either felt echoes of the thoughts I had, or knew a close friend who had. Their responses gave me the green light to finish and include it. Being honest in the essay was terribly difficult, but writing it wasn’t that hard. It really helped me process what got me to that suicidal point. When I was beyond low, all I could think about was just being done. I had no interest in figuring anything out except for how not to live anymore. Writing about it helped me rationally put the pieces together—and provided a blueprint on self-care that I need to be diligent about heeding.

Injuries always suck, whether you’re prone to depression or not. When I can exercise in other ways—biking, swimming, strength training—I do and that’s a strong Plan B. I just need to be accountable to somebody. It’s been 8 months since my plantar plate sprain flared up—a five-mile run feels crazy long to me still—and about two months ago, I started texting a friend when I’d exercised that day. We’re not on the same training plan and don’t live near each other, but I just wanted accountability, as did she. It’s keeping me going.

photo courtesy of anothermotherrunner.com

TTLWH: Do you have a funny running story you want to share? Do you get to run with Sarah much?

DMD: I don’t have one specific story. I’m really good at tripping (especially on rocks about the size of a domino), and I land pretty hard most of the time. See: broken wrist, broken hand. I even fell once in a race, right in front of somebody who had just complimented me on the talk I’d given at the expo. Sarah (a.k.a. my sister from another mother runner) and I try to run whenever we’re together, and we’ve had some great runs around the country: We’ve run everywhere from Sacramento to Seattle to Annapolis.

TTLWH: You and Sarah have had a huge impact on the world of women’s recreational running—not only with your books but your website, your blog, your sassy t-shirts—you’ve empowered many of us (myself included) to call ourselves badass and believe it! In your wildest dreams, could you have imagined this happening? Does it feel like a dream come true? Overwhelming? 

DMD: It’s all that: a dream and overwhelming and wild and empowering. Definitely did not imagine this happening at all; It’s all been organic. The coolest thing for me is that while it’s quite a bit of work, it’s work that we love and in which we are totally invested. The most overwhelming part is the travel. Not being on the road, but removing myself and then reinserting myself into family life. There’s no rest for the in that situation. What’s more, I am 100% totally my (don’t-always-love-to-run) self with the AMR crowd: I don’t feel the need to impress anybody or pretend like I’m somebody I’m not. (Because, as we all know, acting otherwise is a much bigger load to carry.)

TTLWH: I met you and Sarah at a house party a few years ago, in Glen Ellyn, Illinois. I loved the intimacy of the house party and that I got to meet and talk with both of you. Your parties are so big now, and I’m wondering if you and Sarah still feel that same connection with the women who attend them. 

DMD: Absolutely feel that connection. A few weeks ago, I was solo at a mother runner party in Atlanta—Sarah was in Spokane for an expo—and I started to feel a bit stressed by the long line of women waiting to get their books signed. At home, I’d been reading this book called The Barn at the End of the World, which is about a Quaker Buddhist Shepherd. Mary Rose O’Reilly wrote about how she was at the bank, and as she apologized and fumbled around in her purse for something, the teller said, “I have all the time in the world.” Then Mary followed it with an eloquent explanation. I couldn’t remember that part, but I remembered the phrase all the time in the world, and talked myself down. I asked everybody what they were up to, running-wise, and chatted with them before signing. That’s the part of AMR I love the most—hearing the stories—and to not take time to hear them would’ve really bummed me out. Everybody was predictably patient and awesome—they’re mother runners, after all—and of course, there was plenty of conversation and connection (and wine consumption) in the line.

TTLWH: Finally, once you wrap up the book parties, what’s next for you and Sarah? And on a personal level, are you training for anything? Any races or events that you want to cross off the list?

DMD: As a birthday present to myself, I signed up for two shorter triathlons: one Olympic-distance in early June, and a sprint one in late June. I may do a few more after that…we’ll see. My foot is not ready for anything past a 10K—and I’m not even sure how that’ll feel, so I’m just going to play it by ear. As you know, Sarah broke her ankle and had surgery on it about two weeks ago. Although she’s bummed it happened, she’s glad it’s a bone, which will heal solidly and healthfully, unlike muscles and tendons can, and she’s glad it happened just two weeks after Boston. She’s had her eye on Boston 2016, which she qualified for in the fall of 2014, and she’s sure to be running strong there.

****************************

Thanks again Dimity! And thanks to you and Sarah for all you do and all you’ve done for women’s (and mothers') running. Actually, you could write a book on the history and growth of the whole BAMR movement! Best to you and Sarah as you guys wrap up your book parties. I hope you take some well deserved time off. 

Please join me in wishing Dimity good luck on her tris in June! And send healing vibes to Sarah, whom I'm sure is counting down the days before she's back on the road!

Have you read any of the other mother runner books? Which was your favorite? And why? Have you attended one of their parties?

Linking this post up with Diatta and Sheila for Workout Wednesday AND Annmarie, Angelena, Sara, and Amber at Wild Workout Wednesday! Be sure to check out both linkups and see what everyone else is posting!

Appreciation: I am enough

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Am I enough? For most of my life, I've lived under an umbrella of self doubt.

Insecure, and lacking confidence, especially in my younger days, I always felt inadequate. I lived in the shadow of my younger sister, who, as I saw it, was smarter, prettier, and more confident. As a teen, I did stupid, attention seeking things because I thought that would make me "cool". As I've gotten older, I look back on those days and cringe. What was I thinking? I have grown confident and comfortable in my skin. I've had success in my career as a nurse practitioner. And as a runner, I've performed well on the road. Lately more than ever, I feel good about myself and where I'm at in my life.

But there's one area of my life where I'm struggling, and that's as a mom. My oldest son continues to find new ways to challenge me, and even though I dole out parenting advice in my job all day long, I'm at a loss as to how to deal with him. I see teenagers in my clinic for their annual physicals, and they're participating in sports and planning for college and the future. They're pleasant and engaging. I can't help but compare them to my oldest son and all the trouble he's given us the past couple of years. While there are times when he talks with me, most of the time I can't even get a hello out of him when he comes home. It makes me sad. But to keep my perspective, my youngest son is one of those teens who's doing it right. This is a good thing because otherwise I'd feel like a total failure as a parent, instead of a partial failure like I do when it comes to my oldest son. Because parenting him has shaken my confidence like nothing else.

or go for a run...

My oldest son plays me like a ping pong ball. I know what he's doing to me, and yet I'm powerless to stop him. He tries to hurt me. He tells me I've "done everything wrong". Mothers' Day? Told me he had no idea it was Mothers' Day. Right. Last night he told me he quit his job. "I've got money saved." Tells us he's got another job lined up for the summer, but he hasn't even talked to the person who is supposed to hire him. Money aside, I'm worried about all that free time he's going to have on his hands.

Happy Mothers Day, right?

Everyone gives me advice on how to handle him. Nothing feels right, and I don't know what to do with him. It's hard for me to sit back and watch him make bad choices. I've been down that road, and I'd love to save him the pain that I experienced in my younger years. He's going to have a tough life, and as his mom, I don't want that for him. But I say nothing and worry and watch. He's going to have to figure it out for himself. Like I did. Clearly, he doesn't appreciate having me in his life. It's hard for me.

Don't we all thrive on appreciation? Why is it that even though I hear all day long from my patients and their parents how much they appreciate me, it means nothing when I hear my son tell me everything he's said to me in the past 6 months has been a lie? He actually admits to trying to upset me. It's a good thing I get positive feedback from my job. And all that success I've had on the road this year? Small potatoes compared to the way he makes me feel. This guy is kicking my ass every chance he gets. There's an old adage that says no one can make you feel bad without your permission. Whoever said that must not have been a parent of a teenager. I don't let him know he's getting to me very often, because I don't want to give him that satisfaction. I just try to be supportive without pushing him away. It's a difficult balance. I want to throttle him. Instead I just zip my lip and cry a little inside.

What he thinks I'm like...

I try to give him his space. I resent the role I'm playing in his life right now. I still have to take care of him. I feel like his punching bag. Is it wrong for me to feel a sense of relief when he heads out the door to school? Or when he goes to work? Besides knowing where he is and that he's safe, when he leaves, there's peace in my house. When he's gone, there's no heavy metal blaring from his room, no sweet smell of those damn e-cigs that he smokes--don't judge, I have to pick my battles--just to bug me, I think. I find myself actually taking deep breaths (not just because the air is clean) and relaxing tight muscles when the door closes behind him.

Feeling unappreciated and that I'm not mom enough, I head out the door for a run. My music plays in my ears, and now that I'm done racing for a while, I get to just run. The familiar route through my neighborhood and the tunes that I listen to so often allow me to run mindlessly, alone in my thoughts. My legs feel loose and I look up at the sky, feeling appreciative that I have running in my life. And as I run, I remind myself that I am enough. I appreciate that running gives me confidence, that running makes me realize that I am enough--not only on the road, but off the road too. I'm good at my job, but I don't think I would be as good at it if I didn't have running to boost my confidence in myself. I remind myself that I'm a good mom, no matter how much my son tries to convince me otherwise. He just doesn't see it right now. He's trying to find his way. I get that, and I remind myself of that frequently, no matter how much he hurts me. I only hope that someday he will look back and appreciate all that I've tried to do for him. And also realize that I am enough. And I hope that one day he will come to the realization that he is enough as well.

I don't know where this quote originated. If you do, let me know so I can give credit. 

Are you enough? What makes you feel appreciated?

This week's #dishthefit and Wednesday word link ups overlapped for me. So I'm linking this post up to both. I'm looking forward to see what everyone else is saying!

Weekend randoms

And the chase for the Stanley Cup continues...go Hawks!

I feel a little lost, with nothing on the calendar until fall. Right now it's all about recovery and rebuilding after a really tough winter/spring training cycle. I know a lot of you run races all year, but these aging legs need me to play it conservatively if I want to run forever--which is part of my long term plans. I wonder how these professional athletes do it. Their training starts late summer, and if they make the playoffs, the season continues into June. That's some pretty tough training for 10 months out of the year. I'm sure they look forward to time off. I have to admit, I do like to take a break. But as stressed out as I get about racing, when I'm taking time off, I really do miss the excitement and feeling of accomplishment after I complete the training and cross the finish line. I might say that I enjoy running to just run, and I do, but there's nothing like having a goal race to train for. And a beer waiting for me at the finish line.

Oh, hold up. I do have a goal race-that Chicago Marathon in the fall. The goal right now is to stay injury free. I promised Becky and myself that I would take 2 weeks off running and cross train. The interesting thing that happened is that Mother Nature didn't cooperate one bit with my plan to bike. She's really been on a roll this spring--hot one day, cold and rainy the next. This past 2 weeks, I got one bike ride in. The rest of the days have been cool, windy, and rainy. I won't lie, I'm a fair weather cyclist. I can run in those conditions, but when you're traveling on 2 thin rubber tires, feet clipped into the pedals, well...I just get a little nervous. Remember last summer when I found that cyclist lying in the road, a victim of a hit and run, bike broke in half? The memory of that has stayed with me, and I'm just a little nervous about riding in less than perfect conditions. Plus, I'm kind of wimpy when it comes to cold and wind and I'm riding about 15 mph. Brrrr.

Since I couldn't ride my bike, I decided to walk. Low impact, right? I figured if I couldn't run, I could walk fast. That aggravated my toe like nothing else. Go figure. It's got to be the way I push off on my big toe, right? On Wednesday this week, I could barely walk. I was furious. Damn foot. Ice, voltaren gel, and lots of swearing...nothing helped. In desperation, I called our sports med doctor for a quickie steroid injection, but he was nowhere to be found. Don't judge me. I'm a medical professional and it's a do as I say, not as I do world. As it turns out, the next day it didn't hurt anymore, and I said f*** it, I'm going for a run. During the run, my toe didn't hurt a bit, but it was talking to me a little bit after.  I did the ice and voltaren gel thing again. As the day went on, it quieted down. So did I. This is so odd, but hey, as long as I can run, right?

In case you didn't already know it.

Work has been insane as we transition from the time of year when everyone is sick to the time of year when everyone needs a school physical. It's been more than a little hectic. In the midst of all the chaos, I had something really amazing happen to me this week. I saw three siblings for the first time for physicals, and while talking to the mom and gathering the past medical history, I came to realize that I had taken care of the oldest child years ago when the child was a baby and I was a staff nurse at a different hospital! I'd love to share with you all the details, but that would be a HIPAA violation, and no one wants me to get one of those. I do need to keep my job. If only I could live off blogging...but I digress. Anyways, it was quite a moment, and yes, the mom cried as we hugged. I kept thinking to myself about the odds of this child ending up in my exam room of my very large medical practice for a physical with me. I really should have played the lottery yesterday. Although after this visit, I felt like I had already won.

Speaking of winning and blogging, my husband keeps asking me when the blog is going to make some money for me. See my comment above. I just laugh and laugh and laugh! The blog is my labor of love, as I call it. Today I had a freakout moment when I realized someone put a spam link on my book club linkup. Somehow, they even got their link to change the url of my blog. Then I got an email from inlinkz that they tried to change my password. This was really bizarre. My first instinct was to send a cease and desist email to the offending party, but cooler heads prevail, and after some deep breaths, I deleted the link and I think I took care of everything. I hope. But if you see my content popping up elsewhere in the blogosphere, please let me know. All the while, I asked myself the question, what the hell is wrong with people? Please leave my little blog alone.

There's winning. And then there's losing. My son's rugby team, who was undefeated until the last game of the regular season, lost in a big way Saturday in their playoff game. I couldn't attend because I was at work (I couldn't get anyone to switch with me--11 doctors and not a one...) but as it turns out, it was probably a good thing. He's not too upset--this kind of stuff just doesn't bother him, and he moved on to play 7-on-7 football the next day. Man, I wish I could roll with the punches like he does!

One last rugby photo for this season...

Or this...

Onward and upward, right?

How was your week? Any races to report? Any wins? Any losses? Any advice?

I'm linking up with Tara at RunningNReading for her Weekend Update. The best place link up on Mondays! Check it out!

Taking the Long Way Home Book Club Book Review: Tales From Another Mother Runner

"When it comes to miles and times, I only compete against myself and I try to see my life more globally. I wouldn't trade my life/kids/work for really amazing numbers. I can't be awesome at everything, so it's okay to try to keep my awesomeness with my kids and work--and my running can be just somewhat awesome."--Ellen

About five years ago, a friend of mine, Sandy, who happens to be an accomplished triathlete and Ironman told me about a t-shirt she saw. She thought I would like it. "Badass Mother Runner" was emblazoned across the front. Oh yes, right up my alley! I headed to Google, found the shirt and the original badass mother runners, and I was hooked. I subscribed to their blog and found women who were just like me.

The original badass mother runner shirt!

As a runner, I'd struggled with my friendships with non-running women. My friends were accepting of my running but just didn't get it--my need to leave parties at an early hour to get a good night's sleep before a long run. Stopping after one or 2 drinks because I just couldn't afford to feel crappy in the morning and miss out on a run. Trying to explain the difference between a 5k and a marathon...runner problems.

So many of Dimity and Sarah's posts spoke to me. I commented several times on the blog, and even had one of my comments featured, a comment about an unsupportive spouse. I couldn't believe how many other mother runners had the same issue. I even read the blog post to my husband. I'm not sure how he felt about being the featured spouse, but he has definitely warmed to my running since then. When SBS's mom was ill, I sent her words of support and received a personal email in reply. That's the kind of ladies Dimity and Sarah are.

When they began taking their show on the road, to promote their second book, Train like a Mother, I was thrilled to see that they were hosting a house party in Glen Ellyn, Illinois, which is about 40 minutes from my home. Although I didn't leave the party with any new friends, I felt a kinship with the women I met. Both Dimity and Sarah signed my book, and I was breathless meeting these ladies who I felt "knew" me.

Where it all started--my tribe (sans me) with Dimity and Sarah; Sara, Sarah, Dimity, Karen, Penny, and Michelle (picture courtesy of anothermotherrunner.com)

I have Dimity and Sarah to thank for my "tribe". Although I met Karen through her blog, Trading in My Heels, Karen met Penny, Sara, and Michelle at a different house party. Following that party, I ran a race, met up with Karen, who introduced me to Michelle and Sara. We all connected on Facebook, and began meeting up at races and have had some dinner outings. Our bond continues to grow, and we communicate almost daily with group chats. I've never had a more supportive group of friends in my life.

The tribe--Karen, Penny, Michelle, Sara, and me

Clearly, I'm not alone. The popularity of the Mother Runners has continued to grow. With their newest release, Tales From Another Mother Runner, they've moved from house parties to full fledged book release parties. The ladies are hosing running retreats, they've started training challenges, and expanded their AMR clothing line. I own quite a few of their t-shirts, which feature sassy sayings like "High Mileage Mom" and "It's all good, I ran today".

Sporting yet another fun AMR shirt while meeting up with Ashtyn, another mother runner!

Prior to embarking on the new book, the ladies sent out a survey about what readers might be looking for in a book. I eagerly completed the survey and mentioned a story about quitting an unwanted running partner. Imagine my surprise when I received an email from their associate, Adrienne Martini, who wanted to interview me for the book. It was a thrill talking with her, and several months later, I received an email that my story wouldn't be featured in the book, but they would share it on the website. I sent a picture of myself. What a thrill to see my picture and story on the blog! And several months later, I received an email from Dimity, asking if she could use my frozen face picture for a "you might be another mother runner" meme.

This is the essence of AMR, and heart and sole (pun intended) of the book. Dimity and Sarah have created a "tribe" and they haven't forgotten that the tribe is central to their success. As they say in the introduction:

"Even if we've never been in that situation, we all know exactly where she's coming from."

and

"Despite the speed bumps life is throwing at her, she (the mother runner) realizes the transformative power of a mile, the importance of pushing toward new challenges, the value in taking care of herself, one step at a time." --Tales from Another Mother Runner

Tales of Another Mother Runner is a collection of essays from a variety of mothers who run. There are essays by "celebrity mother runners" and bloggers. The essays are categorized, but there is a central theme throughout the book: we all run because of and in spite of the fact that we have a million other responsibilities.

Some of the essays that really stuck with me included one called "Taking the Long Way Home" by Heather Johnson Durocher--not just because that's the name of my blog, but because of the struggles she endured in her marriage and how she worked it out through running.

"Nearly everything I know about myself--the person I am today at forty--I've discovered through running."--Heather Johnson Durocher

I loved the essay by Bethany Meyer on her coach, cleverly titled, "Who Needs Prada, I've Got Coach". I've written about my coach, and it was fun to ready Bethany's thoughts as she gave her running over to her coach.

"Being accountable to Coach meant demanding more of myself. Although it sounds harsh, the demands didn't leave me feeling drained. They actually gave me confidence."--Bethany Meyer 

Yes! Yes! Yes!

One of the most poignant essays was written by Dimity. In her essay, she writes openly about her struggles with depression.

"And the fact that I have a life with only first-world problems made me believe I was a selfish, ungracious fool for feeling so terrible."--Dimity McDowell 

As one who has struggled with anxiety and depression over most of my adult life, I read her essay with sadness and understanding. Running has saved me from the depths of depression. Dimity talks about this and how when she's running, she "rarely feels anguish or worry".

"Running, I am the person I want to be when I am standing still." 

And how finally, one day, the sun began to shine. Powerful stuff.

There are essays by authors like Kristin Armstrong, whose work I always enjoy, and our own book club author, Jennifer Graham. SBS writes about aging. Throughout the book are quotes from women who contributed via the blog or the survey. All meaningful.

It's not a stretch to say I loved this book. I kept highlighting passages and folding over page corners of essays I wanted to come back to. All of the mother runner books have been great, but this one is the most personal of the trilogy. This is the stuff I read the blog for. The aha! moments when I read something and realize it isn't just me that feels a certain way. The TMI posts about things too squeamish to mention but hey, it happened and maybe it happened to you. The quotes that hit home so hard, I want to commit them to memory.

I'll be coming back to read this book over and over. Because as mother runners, we're all in this thing together.

"Many people think running and racing is about speed, but really, it's about slowing down. You may be moving faster than you ever have on two legs, but in the quiet of a prolonged effort, time stretches out and elongates. You listen to a song you've heard a hundred times before, and it sounds different. You hear it with your body, not your brain. You absorb everything around you...Your mind drifts away; you're moving on instinct. You are transported without ever leaving your body...."Katie Arnold

What did you think about this book? What essay inspired you the most? Have you been to any of the Mother Runner parties? If so, did you make any friends? Do you have a tribe?

A side note: I have not heard back from Dimity regarding my interview questions. As you know, SBS broke her ankle, and Dimity is having to host all the parties, plus run the show aka the blog and social media outlets. I'm sure she's completely overwhelmed! If I do hear back from her, I'll be sure to pass her interview along.

Be sure to link your review below! You know the rules...just link back to the original post. The badge is below. Be nice and read the other posts! Sharing is caring after all...and if you don't have a blog, just post your review in the comments. I'm really excited to hear what everyone has to say.

For next month's book, I've chosen a light, funny book! It is summer after all...We'll be reading The terrible and wonderful reasons why I run long distances by Matthew Inman aka creator of the Oatmeal. If you aren't familiar with his work, his comics are irreverent (which is probably why I like them so much); since Inman is a runner, he takes his sense of humor to the road! I hope you'll join us in this one.

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