I did not want to go for a run this morning.
A really bad day at work yesterday led to a sleepless night. I did finally fall asleep, but I woke up early with a headache. After getting the boys off to school and couple of cups of coffee, I put on my running shoes and forced myself out the door.
I always run on my day off, and I had to keep telling myself that I needed this one. In fact, it was a beautiful morning, albeit a little windy and chilly, and I knew that the run would do me good. I needed to work some things out.
I don't normally write about my job. This is, after all, a running blog. One bad day at work does not normally require any kind of deep thought. We all have bad days. Unfortunately, lately there have been a lot of bad days at my work, and not just for me. It's the norm for those of us who work in healthcare. The system has become overburdened by high cost and diminishing resources while we providers continue to try to meet increasing demands of the patients we see. It's become overwhelming.
Yesterday, I cried at work. I cried because I was asked to do something that I felt ill prepared to do, in a very limited time slot. I cried because I was told "you had an opening" (an appointment). I cried because I felt like a warm body. I cried because I felt like I didn't matter. And that the patient didn't matter.
This is not a good place for me to be. This isn't the first time I've been asked to stretch outside of my comfort zone. It's not that I couldn't manage the patient's problems. I just didn't see how I could do a good job, given the situation.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I shouldn't care so much. Maybe I should just do what I can when I can. Except I don't know that I'm capable of pulling back like that. Or that I want to. This is my struggle.
The road has been a reliable therapist for me in the past. Today was no different. While I basked in the sunshine, when I turned into that strong wind, I had to push hard to maintain a steady pace. The wind pushed back. I wanted to give up and go home. It was chilly. It was hard.
But then I turned a corner, and the wind was at my back! The run was fluid and easy! It felt great!
And so went my run. As is life. Yesterday at work, I hit the wall. I didn't quit and I didn't go home. But it didn't feel good. Today, I reflected on that.
When I ran, I didn't get any answers. But I didn't expect to.
What I did get is some calm and peace. Clarity. A reminder that I can persevere. I've trained for and run 3 marathons. I've pushed through the wall. While my job isn't a marathon and I don't know what I'll find on the other side of this wall, I'm not willing to DNF yet.
Until then, I keep on running.
Linking up with Jill Conyers this morning for Fitness Fridays.